A Gentle Personality

Jen was soft spoken and frail in her appearance. She walked with a slow, short stepping gait. Her handwriting was neat, but pained and laborious. People who knew her appreciated her sweet, gentle personality. Jen learned that she had a debilitating, progressive, incurable neurological disease. The news was a devastating blow to Jen and all who knew her.

The Attack

One day, Jen physically attacked another girl. This behavior was totally uncharacteristic of her. Jen, however, had been cruelly and continually taunted by this girl and a few other students for at least two years. Jen and her parents had notified her school administration of the problem. She had sought help from a school counselor to deal with the harassment. The students were spoken to. No direct disciplinary action had been taken. Verbal bullying and adolescents is often not taken seriously.  There are rarely specific consequences attached to this type of verbal bullying. Finally, distraught over the news about her illness, and tired of silently enduring the verbal abuse of her tormentors, Jen physically lashed out. She was suspended.

The System Failed Jen

Jen showed up to class one more time after that incident. Then she disappeared. She attempted suicide. Fortunately, she did not succeed. She didn’t return to school. She feared the taunting. She didn’t feel safe. The high school failed to provide a safe learning environment for this student. Consequently, she sat home alone. She couldn’t get an equal education. Who is responsible?

Most Staff and Students had No Idea of the Extent of Jen’s Torment

The sad news is: most faculty at Jen’s high school was unaware of what happened to her. The majority of the school’s student population didn’t know. If we randomly asked teachers whether teasing, taunting, or harassment was a problem at that school, the majority of faculty and students might say no. The school demographics consist of a mid to upper middle class population in a small New England town. It is not the inner-city. No knives or guns were used. The weapons were words, expressions and gestures. Were they any less damaging? The emotional scars for Jen will last much longer than it takes for a physical wound to heal. Jen was a victim of verbal bullying.

Put-downs are not a Joke

Jen’s story is a drastic example of verbal bullying and adolescents. What about the kid who jokingly puts down another student in the name of friendly bantering? Sometimes it ends after a few sarcastic remarks. Sometimes it comes to blows when one of the players no longer sees the humor in the situation. I’m not talking about playful teasing that doesn’t cause hurt feelings. I’m talking about put downs. Words that can be taken as insult — even when the players are laughing about them.

The No Put-down Rule

I’ve taken a stand on this type of humor in my classroom and home. I simply don’t allow it. I explain to my high school students that my classroom is a safe haven. It is a place for them to come where they do not have to worry about being put down. When they defend their humor, I explain that teens have to take a lot of garbage from too many people. Too many people are quick to put them down. So why should they have to listen to put downs in my classroom. I want them to feel good when they are in my room. I encourage them to say kind things to each other. I remind them how important respect is to me. I tell them that they deserve respect. Put downs are not respectful. What’s interesting is that once they hear the reason behind the rule, they accept it. I give them permission to call me on my behavior if I ever break the rule. (I suggest they do it politely.) I rarely hear insults in my classroom.

Verbal Bullying Can Have Devastating Consequences

When people think of a bully, they think of a punching, kicking, and physically aggressive person. If they had to give a bully a gender, it would be male. This narrow view of bullying causes us to only react strongly to physical bullying in our society. In reality, verbal bullying, which includes harassment, taunting, mocking, exclusion and shunning, can have equally devastating consequences. With the exclusion of death, or permanent injury, physical bullying heals rather quickly. The consequences of verbal bullying can last a lifetime.

I hesitate to refer to verbal bullying as anything other than verbal bullying because I find that there is a tendency to minimize it as a social problem. People react to the word ‘bully’ with a certain sense of alarm. People don’t react to taunting, mocking, exclusion, or shunning with the same degree of concern. I think the alarm should sound just as loudly for verbal bullying as physical bullying.

Physical Fighting vs. Verbal bullying and Adolescents

Consider the typical disciplinary procedures for physical fighting in our schools. They usually involve suspension or expulsion. In contrast, verbal bullying, with the exception of sexual harassment, is often dealt with very lightly and inconsistently. Often, the only consequence is a verbal reprimand. Many teachers ignore it. Verbal bullying is much more prevalent than physical bullying. It is a major problem in our schools and our society.

Verbal harassment is not only minimized as a problem by school faculties and administrations, some school personnel use verbal bullying as a disciplinary or motivational tool. In specific settings, it is also accepted and expected. One only need go to the locker room or the football field to see verbal bullying at peak performance.

Sports and Verbal Put-downs

Myriam Miedzian, Boys Will Be Boys, writes, “The language of sport is filled with insults suggesting that a boy who is not tough enough, who does not live up to the masculine mystique, is really a girl or homosexual.” She sites football player, David Kopay as saying “like many other coaches, Dillingham [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][fictitious name] used sexual slurs — ‘fag,’‘queer,’ ‘sissy,’ ‘pussy’ — to motivate (or intimidate) his young athletes.” (Miedzian, 1991, p.202)

I’ll never forget the look of dismay on a friends’ face when she told of standing on the sidelines of a high school football field shocked at the language being used by the coach to reprimand the team during practice. She was horrified at the example being set for her son by an adult role model. “My husband and I didn’t bring him up that way. We taught him to respect women. This isn’t right, but, there is nothing I can do. My son would never forgive me if I complained about it.”

During a spirit rally, a football team brought out a stuffed dummy representing the opposing team. They threw the dummy on the field and proceeded to attack it, tearing it to pieces.  “Take ‘em apart” was the epithet. The team was dehumanized, symbolically abused before the entire student body. The message was, “bullying in the name of wining and sports was OK.” The reality is: It’s not OK.  In order to play the game, boys, and in many cases, girls also, must work hard at repressing empathy. They must steel themselves to the humanity of the other team. They must hide their own humanity and feelings to endure the abuse of the coach they are supposed to look up to. (Miedzian, 1991)

A Solution: Set the Example

High school teachers, coaches and parents of adolescents need to be aware of the price society pays when we ignore, or at worst, participate in verbal bullying. I rarely speak to a parent or teacher who is not concerned about the fate of our society. Disrespect, rudeness, selfishness, bullying and lack of regard for other human beings are rampant in our culture. Before we become discouraged and throw up our hands in resignation, remember: We set the example for our youth. We set limits and boundaries for them to live by. We can make the difference for our society through our words and our actions.

Excerpted from “Free the Children: Conflict Education for Strong Peaceful Minds” by Susan Fitzell.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell's book now. Don't waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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A colleague of mine asked for tips on how to help her young son who has Autism deal with bullying at school. She asked, “What more can I do?” Given that the question was asked on my Facebook page,  I needed to reply with brevity. I thought the same answer might be beneficial here. In my martial arts class, there are two things that I focus on that are so simple, yet so profound in importance. Bullying prevention requires us to teach youth how NOT to be a victim.

Bullying Prevention: Teaching About Body Language

1. Body language. Teaching children to walk with confidence, head held high – but not too high, shoulders back, strong steps – don’t shuffle – are important in conveying an image of confidence. If you look more confident, you are less likely to be teased. I will literally role-play how to walk. If I have kids who shuffle into position in class, I use it as a teachable moment. No form or kata is more important than teaching a youth how to walk with confidence.

Bullying Prevention: Teach What To Say and How To Say It

2. Teach verbal self-defense skills. What can (s)he say and how should (s)he react to put-downs, refusal to allow him to join a game, etc. Even if children “ignore” bullying by saying nothing, often their body language gives away their power because they “show” they are hurt or dejected. So, teach youth some safe responses and role-play how to say the words with confidence and a calm neutral tone.
Here are some examples of what youth might use as responses to bullying language:

Comebacks that don’t escalate the conflict

•  I see.
•  Thank you for letting me know how you feel.
•  Perhaps you are right.
•  I hear you.
•  Ouch! (Cues the other person that they are being hurtful. Sometimes they don’t realize.)
•  I can see this upsets you.
•  I’m sorry you were hurt. That was not my intent.

Be careful to stress the importance of tone of voice. Sarcasm can take the most innocuous words and turn them into inflammatory remarks.

What is your experience? What do you advice parents and teachers teach their children about bullying prevention?

For more information about conflict education and caring communities, see Susan Fitzell’s book, Free The Children, Conflict Education for Strong and Peaceful Minds. Available in both print and electronic versions!

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The idea is based on something that the New York City Police Department tried in order to combat violent crime and it actually works wonders in the classroom. Back when Rudy Giuliani was the mayor of New York, he made it his business to turn the tide against violent crime. However, instead of going after the major offenders, he went after the petty thieves, the vandals, the pickpockets and those who affected quality of life. He theorized that by cutting down on petty crime, he could cut down on violent crime as well. The idea worked brilliantly and New York is now one of the safest large cities in the country.

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Bullying in the Classroom: Nip it in the Bud

I recently spoke with teacher who tried a similar approach in her classroom. Instead of focusing on the blatant bullying that occurred in the school; or might occur, she focused on the little things. For example, she addressed the name calling every time she caught it. For example, when kids refer to someone as being a “loser” even though most would consider that a minor offense, she used it as a teachable moment and explained how that language hurts. She realized that if she could get her kids to use positive language rather than negative language, the idea of bullying would be less appealing to them as well and would be less tolerated.

She got results! By modeling to her kids how to act positively and demanding that they do the same, she has virtually eliminated bullying in her 6th grade classroom!

If you try this idea and it works for you as well, please let me know as I’d love to hear about your success.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell's book now. Don't waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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Zero tolerance to bullying

Can bullying in schools can be addressed with a zero tolerance discipline policy and a six-hour in-service on bullying for teachers? What if we include an assembly for students? If a peer mediation program is in place in the school, has ‘bullying’ been adequately addressed? I was outraged at the website of a “bully prevention expert” that claimed that teaching empathy was ineffective in reducing bullying. I have been purchasing and analyzing the popular bully proofing “how to” manuals for schools. Many publishers have jumped on the bandwagon since the advent of school shootings and the resulting public alarm quickly producing curricula and manuals to address bullying and violence in schools. Few programs or resource books address the issue completely.

Unfortunately, there are so many Band-Aid solutions out there that people think they are purchasing a program that will “bully proof” their schools and community, yet these programs barely scratch the surface of what is needed to truly address the issue.

The systemic and holistic approach that is documented to be necessary for long-term change (Stevahn, L. 2000) is difficult to “sell” and it can’t be purchased in a manual or a one-day in-service or zero tolerance discipline policy.

So what works? Choose programs, curricula, and pedagogy that foster caring, inclusive communities. Insure that all school staff is on the same page, working together, consistently teaching what is learned through in-service trainings. Support teachers through the process. Consistently implement a discipline policy that promotes problem solving skills and behavior ownership and you have another piece in place. Bring parents and teachers together to work with children at home to promote understanding of the effects of the media and video games on their children’s minds and then teach them how to resolve conflict in the home, and you have made a significant gain towards bully prevention in your school. Do you have a way to teach anger management, and social skills? Do you have a way to support victims and counsel students who bully to own their behavior and learn to empathize?
The latest research on the brain, the media’s effect on the brain and emotional intelligence, compels us to go beyond zero tolerance discipline policies and superficial solutions if we want to truly make a difference in the next generation of youth coming through our school systems. We can make a positive difference and build caring, inclusive school communities as soon as we are willing to make it a priority and do what it takes to get the job done without relying on Band-Aid solutions.

Reference:

Stevahn, L. (2000). School Conflict Programs and Climate: What Matters and Why. Does it work? The Case for Conflict Resolution Education in Our Nation’s Schools.
Washington, DC: Coronet.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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