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A Gentle Personality

Jen was soft spoken and frail in her appearance. She walked with a slow, short stepping gait. Her handwriting was neat, but pained and laborious. People who knew her appreciated her sweet, gentle personality. Jen learned that she had a debilitating, progressive, incurable neurological disease. The news was a devastating blow to Jen and all who knew her.

The Attack

One day, Jen physically attacked another girl. This behavior was totally uncharacteristic of her. Jen, however, had been cruelly and continually taunted by this girl and a few other students for at least two years. Jen and her parents had notified her school administration of the problem. She had sought help from a school counselor to deal with the harassment. The students were spoken to. No direct disciplinary action had been taken. Verbal bullying and adolescents is often not taken seriously.  There are rarely specific consequences attached to this type of verbal bullying. Finally, distraught over the news about her illness, and tired of silently enduring the verbal abuse of her tormentors, Jen physically lashed out. She was suspended.

The System Failed Jen

Jen showed up to class one more time after that incident. Then she disappeared. She attempted suicide. Fortunately, she did not succeed. She didn’t return to school. She feared the taunting. She didn’t feel safe. The high school failed to provide a safe learning environment for this student. Consequently, she sat home alone. She couldn’t get an equal education. Who is responsible?

Most Staff and Students had No Idea of the Extent of Jen’s Torment

The sad news is: most faculty at Jen’s high school was unaware of what happened to her. The majority of the school’s student population didn’t know. If we randomly asked teachers whether teasing, taunting, or harassment was a problem at that school, the majority of faculty and students might say no. The school demographics consist of a mid to upper middle class population in a small New England town. It is not the inner-city. No knives or guns were used. The weapons were words, expressions and gestures. Were they any less damaging? The emotional scars for Jen will last much longer than it takes for a physical wound to heal. Jen was a victim of verbal bullying.

Put-downs are not a Joke

Jen’s story is a drastic example of verbal bullying and adolescents. What about the kid who jokingly puts down another student in the name of friendly bantering? Sometimes it ends after a few sarcastic remarks. Sometimes it comes to blows when one of the players no longer sees the humor in the situation. I’m not talking about playful teasing that doesn’t cause hurt feelings. I’m talking about put downs. Words that can be taken as insult — even when the players are laughing about them.

The No Put-down Rule

I’ve taken a stand on this type of humor in my classroom and home. I simply don’t allow it. I explain to my high school students that my classroom is a safe haven. It is a place for them to come where they do not have to worry about being put down. When they defend their humor, I explain that teens have to take a lot of garbage from too many people. Too many people are quick to put them down. So why should they have to listen to put downs in my classroom. I want them to feel good when they are in my room. I encourage them to say kind things to each other. I remind them how important respect is to me. I tell them that they deserve respect. Put downs are not respectful. What’s interesting is that once they hear the reason behind the rule, they accept it. I give them permission to call me on my behavior if I ever break the rule. (I suggest they do it politely.) I rarely hear insults in my classroom.

Verbal Bullying Can Have Devastating Consequences

When people think of a bully, they think of a punching, kicking, and physically aggressive person. If they had to give a bully a gender, it would be male. This narrow view of bullying causes us to only react strongly to physical bullying in our society. In reality, verbal bullying, which includes harassment, taunting, mocking, exclusion and shunning, can have equally devastating consequences. With the exclusion of death, or permanent injury, physical bullying heals rather quickly. The consequences of verbal bullying can last a lifetime.

I hesitate to refer to verbal bullying as anything other than verbal bullying because I find that there is a tendency to minimize it as a social problem. People react to the word ‘bully’ with a certain sense of alarm. People don’t react to taunting, mocking, exclusion, or shunning with the same degree of concern. I think the alarm should sound just as loudly for verbal bullying as physical bullying.

Physical Fighting vs. Verbal bullying and Adolescents

Consider the typical disciplinary procedures for physical fighting in our schools. They usually involve suspension or expulsion. In contrast, verbal bullying, with the exception of sexual harassment, is often dealt with very lightly and inconsistently. Often, the only consequence is a verbal reprimand. Many teachers ignore it. Verbal bullying is much more prevalent than physical bullying. It is a major problem in our schools and our society.

Verbal harassment is not only minimized as a problem by school faculties and administrations, some school personnel use verbal bullying as a disciplinary or motivational tool. In specific settings, it is also accepted and expected. One only need go to the locker room or the football field to see verbal bullying at peak performance.

Sports and Verbal Put-downs

Myriam Miedzian, Boys Will Be Boys, writes, “The language of sport is filled with insults suggesting that a boy who is not tough enough, who does not live up to the masculine mystique, is really a girl or homosexual.” She sites football player, David Kopay as saying “like many other coaches, Dillingham [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][fictitious name] used sexual slurs — ‘fag,’‘queer,’ ‘sissy,’ ‘pussy’ — to motivate (or intimidate) his young athletes.” (Miedzian, 1991, p.202)

I’ll never forget the look of dismay on a friends’ face when she told of standing on the sidelines of a high school football field shocked at the language being used by the coach to reprimand the team during practice. She was horrified at the example being set for her son by an adult role model. “My husband and I didn’t bring him up that way. We taught him to respect women. This isn’t right, but, there is nothing I can do. My son would never forgive me if I complained about it.”

During a spirit rally, a football team brought out a stuffed dummy representing the opposing team. They threw the dummy on the field and proceeded to attack it, tearing it to pieces.  “Take ‘em apart” was the epithet. The team was dehumanized, symbolically abused before the entire student body. The message was, “bullying in the name of wining and sports was OK.” The reality is: It’s not OK.  In order to play the game, boys, and in many cases, girls also, must work hard at repressing empathy. They must steel themselves to the humanity of the other team. They must hide their own humanity and feelings to endure the abuse of the coach they are supposed to look up to. (Miedzian, 1991)

A Solution: Set the Example

High school teachers, coaches and parents of adolescents need to be aware of the price society pays when we ignore, or at worst, participate in verbal bullying. I rarely speak to a parent or teacher who is not concerned about the fate of our society. Disrespect, rudeness, selfishness, bullying and lack of regard for other human beings are rampant in our culture. Before we become discouraged and throw up our hands in resignation, remember: We set the example for our youth. We set limits and boundaries for them to live by. We can make the difference for our society through our words and our actions.

Excerpted from “Free the Children: Conflict Education for Strong Peaceful Minds” by Susan Fitzell.

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The Power of Saying, “I’m Sorry”

It’s really easy to call someone a bully, but it’s not so easy to be called a bully yourself. We’ve all made mistakes in our lives – sometimes when we were kids and didn’t know better, and sometimes when we’re adults and really should. Making mistakes is part of being human, but realizing we’ve made a mistake and not doing anything about it compounds the problem. Taking responsibility for our actions and apologizing can make a world of difference, not only for the person who was bullied, but also for the bully themselves.

Recently, at a school assembly, I asked the kids to think of someone they need to apologize to. I encouraged them to seek out this person to say they were sorry and to make it up. Immediately after the presentation a brave young woman who was a victim of bullying but also a bully herself told me her story.

“In grades 7 and 8 I was a bully. Right now I really regret that. Every day for the full year in grade 7 I would kick him and he would have bruises on his shins. Now I feel bad. He was petrified of me. In grade 8 I did say I was sorry but I didn’t mean it. But now I see that my actions could cause him to do really bad things. I am very sorry.” Shortly after speaking to this young woman I received an e-mail saying that she had tracked down the young man to apologize.

Saying, “I’m sorry.” is one of the most important things that we can do, not only for the person we hurt, but for ourselves. In an article on the power of apology in Psychology Today, author Beverly Engel talks about the benefits of apologizing. For the person on the receiving end, an apology contributes to “emotional healing when he is acknowledged by the wrongdoer” and “helps us to move past our anger and prevents us from being stuck in the past.” On the giver’s side, “the debilitating effects of the remorse and shame we may feel when we’ve hurt another person can eat away at us until we become emotionally and physically ill. By apologizing and taking responsibility for our actions we help rid ourselves of esteem-robbing self-reproach and guilt.”

When my daughter, Amanda, was bullied I secretly dreamed that the girls who did it would one day call her up and tell her they were sorry. Two of her childhood friends apologized on her last day of school, but her best friends walked away without a word. Two of the girls she was physically frightened of from the second school let her know in their own way that they were no longer a threat, but I’m not sure an apology will ever happen. I know that an apology will not erase the hurt, however I do know that it can help remove the anger and start the healing – healing that needs to take place for both the person who hurt and the person who was hurt.

Laurie Flasko, CSP, teaches and challenges her audiences through her own life’s example. For more information about Laurie and her work, visit her website at www.laurieflasko.com. To order a copy of Bullying is NOT a Game. A Parents’ Survival Guide visit www.bullyingisnotagame.com or follow Laurie on Facebook at Bullyingisnotagame.

Contact Laurie to speak to parents, kids, teachers, mental health professionals at lflasko@laurieflasko.com 905-357-2345

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The idea is based on something that the New York City Police Department tried in order to combat violent crime and it actually works wonders in the classroom. Back when Rudy Giuliani was the mayor of New York, he made it his business to turn the tide against violent crime. However, instead of going after the major offenders, he went after the petty thieves, the vandals, the pickpockets and those who affected quality of life. He theorized that by cutting down on petty crime, he could cut down on violent crime as well. The idea worked brilliantly and New York is now one of the safest large cities in the country.

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Bullying in the Classroom: Nip it in the Bud

I recently spoke with teacher who tried a similar approach in her classroom. Instead of focusing on the blatant bullying that occurred in the school; or might occur, she focused on the little things. For example, she addressed the name calling every time she caught it. For example, when kids refer to someone as being a “loser” even though most would consider that a minor offense, she used it as a teachable moment and explained how that language hurts. She realized that if she could get her kids to use positive language rather than negative language, the idea of bullying would be less appealing to them as well and would be less tolerated.

She got results! By modeling to her kids how to act positively and demanding that they do the same, she has virtually eliminated bullying in her 6th grade classroom!

If you try this idea and it works for you as well, please let me know as I’d love to hear about your success.

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Words that screamed, “I AM A VICTIM!”

The year was 1987. She was a foster child, unwanted by her natural parents, at odds with her foster mother. The deck was stacked against her. I wanted to take her shopping to buy her decent clothes. If she had a decent haircut and learned to apply a little makeup, maybe she wouldn’t draw such negative attention to herself.

But then, she’d still open her mouth. Out from her mouth came all the words that screamed, “I AM A VICTIM!” Her manner, style, and body language reinforced this image. Kennie was a scapegoat, a target for all other insecure people to taunt and use to get spare change, petty favors, and a good laugh.

One day, I watched as an older, larger aggressive girl verbally took Kennie apart and left her in pieces on the classroom floor. My directives for the verbal attack to end went unheeded. The audience was thrilled with the display the two presented. Kennie ran away. She ran out of the classroom, out of the building, and out into the street. The bell rang. Chaos ensued. I cornered her attacker. I was enraged, furious that one human being could be so cruel to another. I wanted to lay her out flat. She was twice my size.

I spoke, choosing the mildest words I could manage, given how I felt. I told her that sometimes she acted like a complete asshole! I didn’t care whether what I said was appropriate. I was angry and fed up with the abuse Kennie suffered day after day. I was at a loss as to how to help her. What I saw, however, triggered in me tremendous emotional pain, pain buried deep in my psyche, pain I could not forget.

I Was Outnumbered

It was 1972. Patched bell bottoms were the uniform. Boys’ sneakers, army jackets, and skin-tight tops were the rage. The social dress code forbade white socks. My mother, like most mothers, had set ideas on how a girl should dress. My teenage self believed that her ideas were far from fashionable. My wardrobe did not include the grungy, tie-dyed, patched clothing of the times. Some well-meaning aunts would give me bags of outdated clothes they had tired of or outgrown. Consequently, my dress was quite out of style.

One day, I was walking to the store in my 50s-style hot pink stretch pants, white socks, and girls’ sneakers. Then I saw them up ahead. Immediately, fear penetrated my soul. Pride kept me from running. They had been taunting me for weeks. There were five of them. There was an obvious ringleader. She was huge and appeared to be a few years older than I. “Hey, fag! Hey, fag with the white socks!”

The next thing I remember, I was surrounded. She was screaming something at me. She wanted to fight. I wouldn’t. I didn’t know how. There was no escape. I was outnumbered. The slap across my face stung. Angry and humiliated, I swore at her. There was no thought, just reaction. At that moment, the crowd parted. A friend and neighbor from across the street saw what was happening and summoned her older brother to help. They provided for my escape. The girls never bothered me again. I would be eternally grateful for this act of kindness.

That memory of cruelty and abuse, compounded by many, many others witnessed in the classroom over the years, compelled me to search for a deeper understanding of who I am, what I believe in, and how I could act on those beliefs. Thus emerged my philosophy.

Children are born with a wisdom waiting to unfold and manifest itself in personality. That personality, however, is directed by the environment in which the child lives. I believe that whether personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses take a positive or negative path, whether children reach their potential or not, depends on the children’s environment.

Once children have internalized the education provided by their environment, their behavior becomes set in patterns of reaction and response to that environment. This is why self-knowledge with an understanding of the origins of our attitudes, beliefs, and prejudices is necessary before we can change what isn’t working for us in relationships and consciously keep what does work.

Self-awareness and Empowerment

Only when the Kennies of the world can look at themselves, their behavior, their body language, and their appearance with insight and awareness can they begin to understand what they need to do to change from being a victim to being an empowered self.

When people are empowered, they free themselves from the victim role. They are no longer victims or oppressors. They are clear, focused, and centered in the strength of who they are.

We, as teachers of our children and our students, need an awareness of how our environment (media, culture, family values) shapes the way we think and feel. Once we have that awareness, it is our responsibility to educate our children. The alternative is to act blindly on impulses, feelings, and belief systems that have no known source or purpose.

Our culture, the media, and our individual family values have an impact on how we think.

Before they are two years old, children are aware of racial differences. By the age of three, they may attach value judgments to those differences. Between the ages of four and six, they show gender-stereotyped behaviours, and may reject children who differ from themselves in terms of race or physical disability.

How do stereotypes come about at such an early age? The first influences are the attitudes of immediate family members, often acquired unconsciously. Later, children absorb stereotypical messages from books, television, movies, magazines and newspapers.

– Susan Fountain, Education for Development

Scientific evidence presents a convincing argument that heredity and genetics play a major role in who we are. Studies also indicate, however, that our environment has an impact on how we develop. It is only when we are aware of this “conditioning” that we can act to change it.

Children are perceptive beings. If adults engage them in discussion of the conditions in their environment which affect the way they think and feel, children can learn to act rather than to react.

We adults are very aware and lament the negative influence that environmental factors such as the media and the commercial market are having on our children. It is important that we pass this awareness on to our children.

We should point out those things in the environment that condition children to accept stereotypes and bigotry, that desensitize them to violence and vulgarity, and that create in them reactive, inappropriate, emotional responses. Awareness and knowledge give them the power to make proactive decisions.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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Teaching point of view to young students

When considering  teaching peaceful classroom or conflict resolution skills to preschoolers, the most important developmental aspect to keep in mind is that they are unable to see another person’s point of view.

They are very egocentric. They have, however, a natural developmental capacity for empathy that needs to be allowed to flourish.

Have you had the experience of sharing stories in circle time with preschoolers and one child had a sad story to tell? Maybe his dog died and he started to cry. The next thing you know, several children are crying inconsolably. What happened? Empathy happened.

Preschoolers have the emotional ability to pick up on the feelings of other children and to match them to their own. If, in a given situation, they cannot do this, it is often because they do not have the vocabulary for the emotion. They cannot identify with the feeling if they cannot label it.

Therefore an excellent tool to use with preschoolers is one of those posters with all the labeled ‘emotion’ faces.  Children can spot how they’re feeling on the poster. You can give them the name for the emotion. As they develop a vocabulary for their emotions, they are able to empathize with that emotion.

You can find a Moodz Poster by clicking on the link.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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Using music to teach peace.

Use music to teach concepts of peace, cooperation, and sharing. Make music a part of every day. Preschoolers love music. It is amazing how much they can learn from the music that they listen to.

When my daughter was 18 months old, I discovered Brite Music). Brite Music has a tape called Safety Kids that teaches children safety rules, including their telephone number and what to do if they are lost in a store.

By the age of 2 ½, my daughter could sing her phone number. When we’d go to the mall, I would ask her what she should do if she got lost. She could tell me. She learned through the music. Consider how children learn their ABC’s. Look at the power of music and jingles in commercials. Music makes an impression that is remembered.

I highly recommend Brite Music. My favorite Brite Music tape is Someone Special You. This tape not only has a message for children, it has a message for all of us. Songs like “I Made A Mistake” (mistakes are for learning), “Think, Feel, Do Polka,” and “I Can Choose The Things I Think” are empowering and uplifting.

Another excellent tape is Teaching Peace by Red Grammer. Although this tape is a bit worldly for this age group, some of the songs relate to children and their feelings. Others relate to world concepts. It is positive music that introduces concepts of peace and world ‘oneness.’ Developmentally, it’s a little above preschoolers, but I think it still has value.

For more on Motivating Students, Get the book today! Bring Susan to your campus! How Can School & Home Develop Motivation and Success for Youth? Give your students the priceless gifts of empowerment, accountability, and motivation to tackle any learning challenge. Learn practical strategies today and implement them in your curriculum tomorrow. Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – How Can School & Home Develop Motivation and Success for Youth?

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Ten Ideas to Help Youth Learn More About Cyberbullying

1. Have students research the problem: Ask students to spend 30 minutes online to obtain a better understanding of what cyberbullying is. Chances are, many students have been victims or perpetrators of cyberbullying without even knowing. Discuss each student’s findings as a class.

2. Interview experts: Through the class discussion, develop questions about cyberbullying that your students want answered. Find a few cyberbullying experts online and drop them an email with the class’ questions. Then, discuss their answers.

3. Create informative posters: Ask students to design and create posters about the consequences of cyberbullying and how to deal with it. Not only will making the posters be a learning experience for the students involved, they can be displayed throughout your school and help educate other students as well.

4. Develop a website or blog: If you have a website for your classroom or subject area, add some information about cyberbullying. Otherwise, create your own cyberbullying resource page for students in your classroom or school to help students who may be victims of such bullying.

5. Have students mentor younger students: Ask your students to work together to create a presentation about cyberbullying to present to younger students. Ask students to share their own experiences with cyberbullying and to include ideas about how to stay safe online. This will help not only your students, but many others as well.

6. Ask students to write a letter: As a homework assignment or in-class project, have students write a short letter to the editor of your local paper expressing their concerns about cyberbullying and asking adults to take the problem seriously.

7. Create a public service announcement: As a class, work together to write and act out a short PSA about the consequences of cyberbullying. Film the skit and post it on the school’s website or show it at an assembly.

8. Educate your students on your school’s bullying policies: Ask students if they think the policies are strict enough and if they think they do enough to protect students from cyberbullying. If students think changes should be made, encourage them to talk to school officials.

9. Design a bumper sticker: As a homework assignment, ask students to design a bumper sticker that sends an important message about cyberbullying and its effects. Choose a winning design and display it throughout the school. Depending on your resources, bumper stickers of the winning design could be made and distributed to students and parents.

10. Write your own cyberbullying handbook: Assign different topics on cyberbullying- such as its dangers and what to do if you are a victim- to each student and ask them to write a few paragraphs on the subject along with an illustration or computer clip art. Then, put each student’s piece together to create your classroom’s very own cyberbullying handbook.

(Adapted from “Activities for Teens: Ten Ideas for Youth to Educate their Communities about Cyberbullying” by Sameer Hinduja, Ph.D. and Justin W. Patchin, Ph.D. at the Cyberbullying Research Center)

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell's book now. Don't waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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What is Empowerment?

Last week, I talked about the importance of teaching students to be empowered.  Empowerment is the belief that you can do something and have the skills and resources to do it. Empowerment is having the ability, power, and authority to act on your own behalf. Empowerment is the belief that you are in charge of yourself, your choices, and your decisions.

Children become empowered when they are allowed to make decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. Everything we do is a choice. Even indecision is a choice: we decide not to decide. When we realize that we have choices and own the outcome of those choices, we are empowered. When we are affirmed because of our choices and the learning derived from them, we are empowered.

When children feel powerless, they cannot act on their own behalf. Children who do not feel empowered will not be able to stand up for themselves against a bully or against peer pressure and drugs. Empowerment and self-esteem go hand in hand. One truly cannot exist without the other.

Affirming children is one way to encourage a sense of empowerment. I’ve always believed in the power of suggestion. When my kids were still living at home, I would check on my sleeping children every night before I retired. I’d kiss them good-night and say two things to them: “I love you” and “You are very special.” Sometimes, in their sleep, they would smile and agree with me. I’ve done this since they were infants. I’ve read about people learning from tapes while they are sleeping. I figured it’s worth a try.

Consider these practical ideas to promote empowerment:

• Use authoritative discipline.
• Create opportunities for decision making, problem solving, and leadership.
• Teach the ‘bully’ to get what he/she needs without bullying.
• Teach the ‘victim’ how NOT to be a victim.
• Teach children WHY people do what they do. Understanding reduces fear. Fear is the greatest obstacle to empowerment and self-esteem.
• Teach skills that help children to feel empowered.

For more on Motivating Students, Get the book today! Bring Susan to your campus! How Can School & Home Develop Motivation and Success for Youth? Give your students the priceless gifts of empowerment, accountability, and motivation to tackle any learning challenge. Learn practical strategies today and implement them in your curriculum tomorrow. Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – How Can School & Home Develop Motivation and Success for Youth?

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Facebook, Cartoon Network to Help Prevent Bullying

It appears all the attention given to both cyberbullying and traditional bullying in the news lately has finally sparked a desire for change among the media and social networks.

Facebook, for example, recently announced that it is joining forces with the national parent-teachers’ association to promote internet safety through resources for youth, parents, and schools.

According to a recent Teacher’s Magazine article, Facebook and the National PTA will work together to create a program to provide information about issues such as cyberbullying, good online citizenship, and Internet security.

Facebook is not alone in its efforts to reduce bullying, however.  Cartoon Network announced last month that they plan to use their influence among young people, especially middle-schoolers, to start a new campaign focused on educating bystanders to take action to prevent bullying.

The campaign will launch in October, 2010 and feature on-air PSAs directing viewers to online resources for both youth and adults.  CNN, a sister station to Cartoon Network, will also air feature stories on bullying to help educate viewers on ways that bystanders can initiate change.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell's book now. Don't waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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