[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]

Social Exclusion Hurts

Journal entry 1995 by Susan Fitzell:
Before I began teaching my conflict resolution lesson at [/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][the elementary school] today, Mrs. [classroom teacher] told me that the children had a question for me.  They had been doing a realistic role-play, in reverse.  There have been problems on the playground with boys wanting to play jump-rope.

Two things were happening;  1) The girls won’t let the boys play, or 2) the boys play and other boys make fun of them for playing a ‘girls’ game.

I addressed the latter the last time that I was in the class by telling them that one of the ways boxers train is by jump-roping.  Boxers are far from feminine.  We discussed other activities such as cooking, house cleaning, taking out the trash, football, ballet, etc. that have gender stereotypes attached to them.  That seemed to help them.

Today, the problem was that the boys were role-playing an incident that happened at recess.  The boys were jump-roping.  A group of girls wanted to play.  No matter how hard the girls tried to get the boys to let them play, the boys held their ground and would not let the girls in.

The question was, what do you do when, no matter how hard you try, you are not let in?  We talked about what was fair.  Was life fair? Maybe this was a time to ‘walk away’,  get their own jump-rope and play by themselves.  We talked about whether we could make  someone do something that they did not want to do.

Is Social Exclusion/Bullying By Exclusion on the Playground Trivial?

These arguments often seem petty to adults in the context of children’s play.  I think that adults forget the powerful emotions around the issue of bullying by exclusion.  Adults are often excluded in various ways in life but, in an adult context, it seldom feels trivial.  An adult may be left out of a promotion, a business meeting, a family or neighborhood event.  Because the issues are in a ‘real life’ setting,  it is difficult to relate feelings that erupt from adult social exclusion to bullying by exclusion of children at school. Well, I had an experience that brought this awareness home to me at a “kid” level.  I find that it is difficult to even admit my feelings and write about them, because of the many messages I received all my life that “these feelings are petty, silly, not valid.”

Social Exclusion in the Adult World: Is it Trivial?

There was a woman in my martial arts class who I’d known  for at least a year.  Outside of  general courtesy, she had never extended a hand of friendship towards me during our time in class together.  This was fine because there were other women in the class that I related to well and felt comfortable with.  However, the issue became emotional for me when this woman, one of the few who liked to spar (practice fighting/kickboxing), excluded me continually as a sparring partner.  If there was no one else to spar with, she simply would not spar, leaving me with no one to spar with either.  We sparred together once because the instructor put us together.  She was much better than me in the ring and had told me that she liked to spar with “so and so” because she was the only one close to her level.  She would also spar with men.

I was not ready for the anger and raw emotion that finally erupted in me on a night that I showed up wanting to spar and was excluded once again. Sparring only occurs when there are people available to spar and an instructor there to supervise.  Consequently, there were  times when it was not held.  Also, there are times that sparring is pre-empted by private lessons or preparations for upcoming competitions. During the scheduled sparring time, called Fun Spar, this woman put on sparring gear.  She got into the ring and was preparing to spar with a young man.  When I asked if they were having “Fun Spar” that night, I was curtly told, “I wouldn’t call it fun.” She didn’t look at me.  I was completely ignored. The message was loud and clear; you can’t play!

My Inner Child Hurt

What my intellect understands about people who behave this way, and what my heart feels when they do, did not gel in that moment.  I felt what those kids on the playground felt.  I felt what the excluded child feels.  My inner child hurt.  I was left out of an activity I loved at the whim of  another person and an instructor who did not hear or ignored the interaction.

I speak of bullying by social exclusion in my conflict resolution lessons with children and adults.  I was out of touch, however, with how deeply it can hurt, and with the anger it can provoke.  Now, when children come to me with complaints like “Johnny won’t let me play!” or “Jane says I’m not good enough to be on her team.” I have a better  understanding of the pain bullying by exclusion creates.  I am able to sincerely validate those children’s feelings and I can help kids work towards solutions to exclusion with a clear understanding of the issue on a gut level. As far as I’m concerned, “You can’t say, you can’t play!”

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

 [/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

The post Bullying by Exclusion: He Says, “She Says I Can’t Play!” appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

Cyberbullying Articles: What will it take to protect our children from cyberbullying?

Sharing cyberbullying articles on a topic I’m passionate about: bullying, is critical to getting the message out. Please comment and share so that others find the support they need.

http://www.pannone.com/media-centre/blog/cybercrime-blog/what-will-it-take-protect-our-children-cyber-bullying

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

The post Cyberbullying Articles: What will it take to protect our children from cyberbullying? appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

http://youtu.be/180fwdRSZr4

Click the image to view the video

For more information about conflict education and caring communities, see Susan Fitzell’s book, Free The Children, Conflict Education for Strong and Peaceful Minds. Available in both print and electronic versions!

Bring Susan to your campus!

Featured seminar – Anger Management: Transform Student Anger to Personal Power

The post Does “Children, Do As I Say” Reduce Bullying in Youth? appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

If you gossip to me, chances are you gossip about me.When a someone gossips to you, especially when they say, “I’m telling you this because I trust you. DON’T TELL …” or “DON’T SAY ANYTHING…” Don’t ignore the red flag that might go up that something feels “wrong.” If this is a rare conversation with this person, it may not be gossip so much as helpful information. Sometimes, it’s very difficult to tell the difference. However, if this person continually entrusts you with “gossip” about otherhttps://youtu.be/yapajCA4VY0 people, chances are you are being snared by a gossiper. If so, that gossiper most likely is gossiping about you behind your back, too. Listen to your gut and set your boundaries. You might say, “I really prefer to focus on the positive, let’s talk about something different.” Or, “That’s really not my business, let’s talk about…” and change the subject. An even more firm approach is to say, “I’m really not comfortable talking about other people. It’s one of my personal boundaries. So, let’s talk about something else.”

Tips for Dealing with Gossip:

• Don’t take gossip personally. That is often difficult to do, however, often, it’s not about you, it’s about the gossiper.
• Ask yourself, are you SURE it’s true? Maybe there’s a kernel of truth in the “story,” however, realize that some people are masterful at exaggerating stories and twisting words to their own benefit. If you didn’t see it, hear it, or experience it first hand, you don’t really know if it’s true. Even then, we may interpret what we hear or see differently, and our interpretation could be wrong.
• Even if it IS true, do you need to repeat it? Is it helping anyone to repeat the gossip?
• Often, gossipers gossip out of their own insecurity or need for personal power. If possible, stop the gossiper in his/her tracks. Call them on it or walk away. If they don’t have someone to listen, there is no reward in gossiping.
• Act bored. Gossipers want you to be interested. Your reaction fuels their power. Act like you are not interested and they will be less likely to gossip to you in the future.
• Don’t participate in spreading the gossip. It can come back to haunt you.
• If someone shares gossip with you, others may hound you for more details. Curiosity gets the best of people. DON’T SHARE what you heard. Keep it to yourself!
• Keep your personal and professional information private. This is challenging for outgoing, talkative personalities, however, even more necessary. If the gossiper has no information, they don’t have anything to gossip about.
• Be careful what you share online. So much drama starts online in social networking, text messaging and, for older generations, in email. So often, what is written can be read many different ways and consequently misinterpreted. If online gossip is blatant, ignore it or call the person out. Gossip on the internet is there “forever” and can have devastating consequences.

The post Gossip: 10 Tips the Gossiper Doesn’t Want You To Know! appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

A Gentle Personality

Jen was soft spoken and frail in her appearance. She walked with a slow, short stepping gait. Her handwriting was neat, but pained and laborious. People who knew her appreciated her sweet, gentle personality. Jen learned that she had a debilitating, progressive, incurable neurological disease. The news was a devastating blow to Jen and all who knew her.

The Attack

One day, Jen physically attacked another girl. This behavior was totally uncharacteristic of her. Jen, however, had been cruelly and continually taunted by this girl and a few other students for at least two years. Jen and her parents had notified her school administration of the problem. She had sought help from a school counselor to deal with the harassment. The students were spoken to. No direct disciplinary action had been taken. Verbal bullying and adolescents is often not taken seriously.  There are rarely specific consequences attached to this type of verbal bullying. Finally, distraught over the news about her illness, and tired of silently enduring the verbal abuse of her tormentors, Jen physically lashed out. She was suspended.

The System Failed Jen

Jen showed up to class one more time after that incident. Then she disappeared. She attempted suicide. Fortunately, she did not succeed. She didn’t return to school. She feared the taunting. She didn’t feel safe. The high school failed to provide a safe learning environment for this student. Consequently, she sat home alone. She couldn’t get an equal education. Who is responsible?

Most Staff and Students had No Idea of the Extent of Jen’s Torment

The sad news is: most faculty at Jen’s high school was unaware of what happened to her. The majority of the school’s student population didn’t know. If we randomly asked teachers whether teasing, taunting, or harassment was a problem at that school, the majority of faculty and students might say no. The school demographics consist of a mid to upper middle class population in a small New England town. It is not the inner-city. No knives or guns were used. The weapons were words, expressions and gestures. Were they any less damaging? The emotional scars for Jen will last much longer than it takes for a physical wound to heal. Jen was a victim of verbal bullying.

Put-downs are not a Joke

Jen’s story is a drastic example of verbal bullying and adolescents. What about the kid who jokingly puts down another student in the name of friendly bantering? Sometimes it ends after a few sarcastic remarks. Sometimes it comes to blows when one of the players no longer sees the humor in the situation. I’m not talking about playful teasing that doesn’t cause hurt feelings. I’m talking about put downs. Words that can be taken as insult — even when the players are laughing about them.

The No Put-down Rule

I’ve taken a stand on this type of humor in my classroom and home. I simply don’t allow it. I explain to my high school students that my classroom is a safe haven. It is a place for them to come where they do not have to worry about being put down. When they defend their humor, I explain that teens have to take a lot of garbage from too many people. Too many people are quick to put them down. So why should they have to listen to put downs in my classroom. I want them to feel good when they are in my room. I encourage them to say kind things to each other. I remind them how important respect is to me. I tell them that they deserve respect. Put downs are not respectful. What’s interesting is that once they hear the reason behind the rule, they accept it. I give them permission to call me on my behavior if I ever break the rule. (I suggest they do it politely.) I rarely hear insults in my classroom.

Verbal Bullying Can Have Devastating Consequences

When people think of a bully, they think of a punching, kicking, and physically aggressive person. If they had to give a bully a gender, it would be male. This narrow view of bullying causes us to only react strongly to physical bullying in our society. In reality, verbal bullying, which includes harassment, taunting, mocking, exclusion and shunning, can have equally devastating consequences. With the exclusion of death, or permanent injury, physical bullying heals rather quickly. The consequences of verbal bullying can last a lifetime.

I hesitate to refer to verbal bullying as anything other than verbal bullying because I find that there is a tendency to minimize it as a social problem. People react to the word ‘bully’ with a certain sense of alarm. People don’t react to taunting, mocking, exclusion, or shunning with the same degree of concern. I think the alarm should sound just as loudly for verbal bullying as physical bullying.

Physical Fighting vs. Verbal bullying and Adolescents

Consider the typical disciplinary procedures for physical fighting in our schools. They usually involve suspension or expulsion. In contrast, verbal bullying, with the exception of sexual harassment, is often dealt with very lightly and inconsistently. Often, the only consequence is a verbal reprimand. Many teachers ignore it. Verbal bullying is much more prevalent than physical bullying. It is a major problem in our schools and our society.

Verbal harassment is not only minimized as a problem by school faculties and administrations, some school personnel use verbal bullying as a disciplinary or motivational tool. In specific settings, it is also accepted and expected. One only need go to the locker room or the football field to see verbal bullying at peak performance.

Sports and Verbal Put-downs

Myriam Miedzian, Boys Will Be Boys, writes, “The language of sport is filled with insults suggesting that a boy who is not tough enough, who does not live up to the masculine mystique, is really a girl or homosexual.” She sites football player, David Kopay as saying “like many other coaches, Dillingham [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][fictitious name] used sexual slurs — ‘fag,’‘queer,’ ‘sissy,’ ‘pussy’ — to motivate (or intimidate) his young athletes.” (Miedzian, 1991, p.202)

I’ll never forget the look of dismay on a friends’ face when she told of standing on the sidelines of a high school football field shocked at the language being used by the coach to reprimand the team during practice. She was horrified at the example being set for her son by an adult role model. “My husband and I didn’t bring him up that way. We taught him to respect women. This isn’t right, but, there is nothing I can do. My son would never forgive me if I complained about it.”

During a spirit rally, a football team brought out a stuffed dummy representing the opposing team. They threw the dummy on the field and proceeded to attack it, tearing it to pieces.  “Take ‘em apart” was the epithet. The team was dehumanized, symbolically abused before the entire student body. The message was, “bullying in the name of wining and sports was OK.” The reality is: It’s not OK.  In order to play the game, boys, and in many cases, girls also, must work hard at repressing empathy. They must steel themselves to the humanity of the other team. They must hide their own humanity and feelings to endure the abuse of the coach they are supposed to look up to. (Miedzian, 1991)

A Solution: Set the Example

High school teachers, coaches and parents of adolescents need to be aware of the price society pays when we ignore, or at worst, participate in verbal bullying. I rarely speak to a parent or teacher who is not concerned about the fate of our society. Disrespect, rudeness, selfishness, bullying and lack of regard for other human beings are rampant in our culture. Before we become discouraged and throw up our hands in resignation, remember: We set the example for our youth. We set limits and boundaries for them to live by. We can make the difference for our society through our words and our actions.

Excerpted from “Free the Children: Conflict Education for Strong Peaceful Minds” by Susan Fitzell.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell's book now. Don't waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

The post Verbal Bullying and Adolescents appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

If you have never really understood inner city or gang violence, read this book. If you live in the inner city or must deal with gang violence, read this book. If you are prone to pass judgment on inner city youth, read this book. If you want your eyes opened about violence in America and contributing factors to that violence, read this book. If you want to read about a program that works, …yes, read this book.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/116601077826893886/

If you have never really understood inner city or gang violence, read this book. If you live in the inner city or must deal with gang violence, read this book. If you are prone to pass judgment on inner city youth, read this book. If you want your eyes opened about violence in America and contributing factors to that violence, read this book. If you want to read about a program that works, …yes, read this book.

The post Books Worth Reading – Fist, Stick, Knife, Gun appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

http://www.amazon.com/Odd-Girl-Out-Culture-Aggression/dp/0156027348/ref=cm_cr-mr-title

The post Books Worth Reading – Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]

The Power of Saying, “I’m Sorry”

It’s really easy to call someone a bully, but it’s not so easy to be called a bully yourself. We’ve all made mistakes in our lives – sometimes when we were kids and didn’t know better, and sometimes when we’re adults and really should. Making mistakes is part of being human, but realizing we’ve made a mistake and not doing anything about it compounds the problem. Taking responsibility for our actions and apologizing can make a world of difference, not only for the person who was bullied, but also for the bully themselves.

Recently, at a school assembly, I asked the kids to think of someone they need to apologize to. I encouraged them to seek out this person to say they were sorry and to make it up. Immediately after the presentation a brave young woman who was a victim of bullying but also a bully herself told me her story.

“In grades 7 and 8 I was a bully. Right now I really regret that. Every day for the full year in grade 7 I would kick him and he would have bruises on his shins. Now I feel bad. He was petrified of me. In grade 8 I did say I was sorry but I didn’t mean it. But now I see that my actions could cause him to do really bad things. I am very sorry.” Shortly after speaking to this young woman I received an e-mail saying that she had tracked down the young man to apologize.

Saying, “I’m sorry.” is one of the most important things that we can do, not only for the person we hurt, but for ourselves. In an article on the power of apology in Psychology Today, author Beverly Engel talks about the benefits of apologizing. For the person on the receiving end, an apology contributes to “emotional healing when he is acknowledged by the wrongdoer” and “helps us to move past our anger and prevents us from being stuck in the past.” On the giver’s side, “the debilitating effects of the remorse and shame we may feel when we’ve hurt another person can eat away at us until we become emotionally and physically ill. By apologizing and taking responsibility for our actions we help rid ourselves of esteem-robbing self-reproach and guilt.”

When my daughter, Amanda, was bullied I secretly dreamed that the girls who did it would one day call her up and tell her they were sorry. Two of her childhood friends apologized on her last day of school, but her best friends walked away without a word. Two of the girls she was physically frightened of from the second school let her know in their own way that they were no longer a threat, but I’m not sure an apology will ever happen. I know that an apology will not erase the hurt, however I do know that it can help remove the anger and start the healing – healing that needs to take place for both the person who hurt and the person who was hurt.

Laurie Flasko, CSP, teaches and challenges her audiences through her own life’s example. For more information about Laurie and her work, visit her website at www.laurieflasko.com. To order a copy of Bullying is NOT a Game. A Parents’ Survival Guide visit www.bullyingisnotagame.com or follow Laurie on Facebook at Bullyingisnotagame.

Contact Laurie to speak to parents, kids, teachers, mental health professionals at lflasko@laurieflasko.com 905-357-2345

Don’t miss Susan’s special offer on Bullying posters!

Our Campus Pack of 10 Posters

50% Off

Regular Pricing!

[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

The post The Power of Saying, "I’m Sorry" appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

The idea is based on something that the New York City Police Department tried in order to combat violent crime and it actually works wonders in the classroom. Back when Rudy Giuliani was the mayor of New York, he made it his business to turn the tide against violent crime. However, instead of going after the major offenders, he went after the petty thieves, the vandals, the pickpockets and those who affected quality of life. He theorized that by cutting down on petty crime, he could cut down on violent crime as well. The idea worked brilliantly and New York is now one of the safest large cities in the country.

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]

Bullying in the Classroom: Nip it in the Bud

I recently spoke with teacher who tried a similar approach in her classroom. Instead of focusing on the blatant bullying that occurred in the school; or might occur, she focused on the little things. For example, she addressed the name calling every time she caught it. For example, when kids refer to someone as being a “loser” even though most would consider that a minor offense, she used it as a teachable moment and explained how that language hurts. She realized that if she could get her kids to use positive language rather than negative language, the idea of bullying would be less appealing to them as well and would be less tolerated.

She got results! By modeling to her kids how to act positively and demanding that they do the same, she has virtually eliminated bullying in her 6th grade classroom!

If you try this idea and it works for you as well, please let me know as I’d love to hear about your success.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell's book now. Don't waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

The post Bullying in the Classroom: Nip it in the Bud appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]

Words that screamed, “I AM A VICTIM!”

The year was 1987. She was a foster child, unwanted by her natural parents, at odds with her foster mother. The deck was stacked against her. I wanted to take her shopping to buy her decent clothes. If she had a decent haircut and learned to apply a little makeup, maybe she wouldn’t draw such negative attention to herself.

But then, she’d still open her mouth. Out from her mouth came all the words that screamed, “I AM A VICTIM!” Her manner, style, and body language reinforced this image. Kennie was a scapegoat, a target for all other insecure people to taunt and use to get spare change, petty favors, and a good laugh.

One day, I watched as an older, larger aggressive girl verbally took Kennie apart and left her in pieces on the classroom floor. My directives for the verbal attack to end went unheeded. The audience was thrilled with the display the two presented. Kennie ran away. She ran out of the classroom, out of the building, and out into the street. The bell rang. Chaos ensued. I cornered her attacker. I was enraged, furious that one human being could be so cruel to another. I wanted to lay her out flat. She was twice my size.

I spoke, choosing the mildest words I could manage, given how I felt. I told her that sometimes she acted like a complete asshole! I didn’t care whether what I said was appropriate. I was angry and fed up with the abuse Kennie suffered day after day. I was at a loss as to how to help her. What I saw, however, triggered in me tremendous emotional pain, pain buried deep in my psyche, pain I could not forget.

I Was Outnumbered

It was 1972. Patched bell bottoms were the uniform. Boys’ sneakers, army jackets, and skin-tight tops were the rage. The social dress code forbade white socks. My mother, like most mothers, had set ideas on how a girl should dress. My teenage self believed that her ideas were far from fashionable. My wardrobe did not include the grungy, tie-dyed, patched clothing of the times. Some well-meaning aunts would give me bags of outdated clothes they had tired of or outgrown. Consequently, my dress was quite out of style.

One day, I was walking to the store in my 50s-style hot pink stretch pants, white socks, and girls’ sneakers. Then I saw them up ahead. Immediately, fear penetrated my soul. Pride kept me from running. They had been taunting me for weeks. There were five of them. There was an obvious ringleader. She was huge and appeared to be a few years older than I. “Hey, fag! Hey, fag with the white socks!”

The next thing I remember, I was surrounded. She was screaming something at me. She wanted to fight. I wouldn’t. I didn’t know how. There was no escape. I was outnumbered. The slap across my face stung. Angry and humiliated, I swore at her. There was no thought, just reaction. At that moment, the crowd parted. A friend and neighbor from across the street saw what was happening and summoned her older brother to help. They provided for my escape. The girls never bothered me again. I would be eternally grateful for this act of kindness.

That memory of cruelty and abuse, compounded by many, many others witnessed in the classroom over the years, compelled me to search for a deeper understanding of who I am, what I believe in, and how I could act on those beliefs. Thus emerged my philosophy.

Children are born with a wisdom waiting to unfold and manifest itself in personality. That personality, however, is directed by the environment in which the child lives. I believe that whether personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses take a positive or negative path, whether children reach their potential or not, depends on the children’s environment.

Once children have internalized the education provided by their environment, their behavior becomes set in patterns of reaction and response to that environment. This is why self-knowledge with an understanding of the origins of our attitudes, beliefs, and prejudices is necessary before we can change what isn’t working for us in relationships and consciously keep what does work.

Self-awareness and Empowerment

Only when the Kennies of the world can look at themselves, their behavior, their body language, and their appearance with insight and awareness can they begin to understand what they need to do to change from being a victim to being an empowered self.

When people are empowered, they free themselves from the victim role. They are no longer victims or oppressors. They are clear, focused, and centered in the strength of who they are.

We, as teachers of our children and our students, need an awareness of how our environment (media, culture, family values) shapes the way we think and feel. Once we have that awareness, it is our responsibility to educate our children. The alternative is to act blindly on impulses, feelings, and belief systems that have no known source or purpose.

Our culture, the media, and our individual family values have an impact on how we think.

Before they are two years old, children are aware of racial differences. By the age of three, they may attach value judgments to those differences. Between the ages of four and six, they show gender-stereotyped behaviours, and may reject children who differ from themselves in terms of race or physical disability.

How do stereotypes come about at such an early age? The first influences are the attitudes of immediate family members, often acquired unconsciously. Later, children absorb stereotypical messages from books, television, movies, magazines and newspapers.

– Susan Fountain, Education for Development

Scientific evidence presents a convincing argument that heredity and genetics play a major role in who we are. Studies also indicate, however, that our environment has an impact on how we develop. It is only when we are aware of this “conditioning” that we can act to change it.

Children are perceptive beings. If adults engage them in discussion of the conditions in their environment which affect the way they think and feel, children can learn to act rather than to react.

We adults are very aware and lament the negative influence that environmental factors such as the media and the commercial market are having on our children. It is important that we pass this awareness on to our children.

We should point out those things in the environment that condition children to accept stereotypes and bigotry, that desensitize them to violence and vulgarity, and that create in them reactive, inappropriate, emotional responses. Awareness and knowledge give them the power to make proactive decisions.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

The post Words that screamed, "I AM A VICTIM!" appeared first on Susan Fitzell.