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Social Exclusion Hurts

Journal entry 1995 by Susan Fitzell:
Before I began teaching my conflict resolution lesson at [/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][the elementary school] today, Mrs. [classroom teacher] told me that the children had a question for me.  They had been doing a realistic role-play, in reverse.  There have been problems on the playground with boys wanting to play jump-rope.

Two things were happening;  1) The girls won’t let the boys play, or 2) the boys play and other boys make fun of them for playing a ‘girls’ game.

I addressed the latter the last time that I was in the class by telling them that one of the ways boxers train is by jump-roping.  Boxers are far from feminine.  We discussed other activities such as cooking, house cleaning, taking out the trash, football, ballet, etc. that have gender stereotypes attached to them.  That seemed to help them.

Today, the problem was that the boys were role-playing an incident that happened at recess.  The boys were jump-roping.  A group of girls wanted to play.  No matter how hard the girls tried to get the boys to let them play, the boys held their ground and would not let the girls in.

The question was, what do you do when, no matter how hard you try, you are not let in?  We talked about what was fair.  Was life fair? Maybe this was a time to ‘walk away’,  get their own jump-rope and play by themselves.  We talked about whether we could make  someone do something that they did not want to do.

Is Social Exclusion/Bullying By Exclusion on the Playground Trivial?

These arguments often seem petty to adults in the context of children’s play.  I think that adults forget the powerful emotions around the issue of bullying by exclusion.  Adults are often excluded in various ways in life but, in an adult context, it seldom feels trivial.  An adult may be left out of a promotion, a business meeting, a family or neighborhood event.  Because the issues are in a ‘real life’ setting,  it is difficult to relate feelings that erupt from adult social exclusion to bullying by exclusion of children at school. Well, I had an experience that brought this awareness home to me at a “kid” level.  I find that it is difficult to even admit my feelings and write about them, because of the many messages I received all my life that “these feelings are petty, silly, not valid.”

Social Exclusion in the Adult World: Is it Trivial?

There was a woman in my martial arts class who I’d known  for at least a year.  Outside of  general courtesy, she had never extended a hand of friendship towards me during our time in class together.  This was fine because there were other women in the class that I related to well and felt comfortable with.  However, the issue became emotional for me when this woman, one of the few who liked to spar (practice fighting/kickboxing), excluded me continually as a sparring partner.  If there was no one else to spar with, she simply would not spar, leaving me with no one to spar with either.  We sparred together once because the instructor put us together.  She was much better than me in the ring and had told me that she liked to spar with “so and so” because she was the only one close to her level.  She would also spar with men.

I was not ready for the anger and raw emotion that finally erupted in me on a night that I showed up wanting to spar and was excluded once again. Sparring only occurs when there are people available to spar and an instructor there to supervise.  Consequently, there were  times when it was not held.  Also, there are times that sparring is pre-empted by private lessons or preparations for upcoming competitions. During the scheduled sparring time, called Fun Spar, this woman put on sparring gear.  She got into the ring and was preparing to spar with a young man.  When I asked if they were having “Fun Spar” that night, I was curtly told, “I wouldn’t call it fun.” She didn’t look at me.  I was completely ignored. The message was loud and clear; you can’t play!

My Inner Child Hurt

What my intellect understands about people who behave this way, and what my heart feels when they do, did not gel in that moment.  I felt what those kids on the playground felt.  I felt what the excluded child feels.  My inner child hurt.  I was left out of an activity I loved at the whim of  another person and an instructor who did not hear or ignored the interaction.

I speak of bullying by social exclusion in my conflict resolution lessons with children and adults.  I was out of touch, however, with how deeply it can hurt, and with the anger it can provoke.  Now, when children come to me with complaints like “Johnny won’t let me play!” or “Jane says I’m not good enough to be on her team.” I have a better  understanding of the pain bullying by exclusion creates.  I am able to sincerely validate those children’s feelings and I can help kids work towards solutions to exclusion with a clear understanding of the issue on a gut level. As far as I’m concerned, “You can’t say, you can’t play!”

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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The Power of Saying, “I’m Sorry”

It’s really easy to call someone a bully, but it’s not so easy to be called a bully yourself. We’ve all made mistakes in our lives – sometimes when we were kids and didn’t know better, and sometimes when we’re adults and really should. Making mistakes is part of being human, but realizing we’ve made a mistake and not doing anything about it compounds the problem. Taking responsibility for our actions and apologizing can make a world of difference, not only for the person who was bullied, but also for the bully themselves.

Recently, at a school assembly, I asked the kids to think of someone they need to apologize to. I encouraged them to seek out this person to say they were sorry and to make it up. Immediately after the presentation a brave young woman who was a victim of bullying but also a bully herself told me her story.

“In grades 7 and 8 I was a bully. Right now I really regret that. Every day for the full year in grade 7 I would kick him and he would have bruises on his shins. Now I feel bad. He was petrified of me. In grade 8 I did say I was sorry but I didn’t mean it. But now I see that my actions could cause him to do really bad things. I am very sorry.” Shortly after speaking to this young woman I received an e-mail saying that she had tracked down the young man to apologize.

Saying, “I’m sorry.” is one of the most important things that we can do, not only for the person we hurt, but for ourselves. In an article on the power of apology in Psychology Today, author Beverly Engel talks about the benefits of apologizing. For the person on the receiving end, an apology contributes to “emotional healing when he is acknowledged by the wrongdoer” and “helps us to move past our anger and prevents us from being stuck in the past.” On the giver’s side, “the debilitating effects of the remorse and shame we may feel when we’ve hurt another person can eat away at us until we become emotionally and physically ill. By apologizing and taking responsibility for our actions we help rid ourselves of esteem-robbing self-reproach and guilt.”

When my daughter, Amanda, was bullied I secretly dreamed that the girls who did it would one day call her up and tell her they were sorry. Two of her childhood friends apologized on her last day of school, but her best friends walked away without a word. Two of the girls she was physically frightened of from the second school let her know in their own way that they were no longer a threat, but I’m not sure an apology will ever happen. I know that an apology will not erase the hurt, however I do know that it can help remove the anger and start the healing – healing that needs to take place for both the person who hurt and the person who was hurt.

Laurie Flasko, CSP, teaches and challenges her audiences through her own life’s example. For more information about Laurie and her work, visit her website at www.laurieflasko.com. To order a copy of Bullying is NOT a Game. A Parents’ Survival Guide visit www.bullyingisnotagame.com or follow Laurie on Facebook at Bullyingisnotagame.

Contact Laurie to speak to parents, kids, teachers, mental health professionals at lflasko@laurieflasko.com 905-357-2345

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The idea is based on something that the New York City Police Department tried in order to combat violent crime and it actually works wonders in the classroom. Back when Rudy Giuliani was the mayor of New York, he made it his business to turn the tide against violent crime. However, instead of going after the major offenders, he went after the petty thieves, the vandals, the pickpockets and those who affected quality of life. He theorized that by cutting down on petty crime, he could cut down on violent crime as well. The idea worked brilliantly and New York is now one of the safest large cities in the country.

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Bullying in the Classroom: Nip it in the Bud

I recently spoke with teacher who tried a similar approach in her classroom. Instead of focusing on the blatant bullying that occurred in the school; or might occur, she focused on the little things. For example, she addressed the name calling every time she caught it. For example, when kids refer to someone as being a “loser” even though most would consider that a minor offense, she used it as a teachable moment and explained how that language hurts. She realized that if she could get her kids to use positive language rather than negative language, the idea of bullying would be less appealing to them as well and would be less tolerated.

She got results! By modeling to her kids how to act positively and demanding that they do the same, she has virtually eliminated bullying in her 6th grade classroom!

If you try this idea and it works for you as well, please let me know as I’d love to hear about your success.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell's book now. Don't waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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• Will the paraprofessional provide input into the planning process for either specific students or the class in general? If so, how will the classroom teacher gain that input?
• Will the paraprofessional have input into lesson planning, or planning for reteaching?
• When and how should the paraprofessional’s experience in the classroom contribute to interventions used with non-responders or students with special needs?

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Words that screamed, “I AM A VICTIM!”

The year was 1987. She was a foster child, unwanted by her natural parents, at odds with her foster mother. The deck was stacked against her. I wanted to take her shopping to buy her decent clothes. If she had a decent haircut and learned to apply a little makeup, maybe she wouldn’t draw such negative attention to herself.

But then, she’d still open her mouth. Out from her mouth came all the words that screamed, “I AM A VICTIM!” Her manner, style, and body language reinforced this image. Kennie was a scapegoat, a target for all other insecure people to taunt and use to get spare change, petty favors, and a good laugh.

One day, I watched as an older, larger aggressive girl verbally took Kennie apart and left her in pieces on the classroom floor. My directives for the verbal attack to end went unheeded. The audience was thrilled with the display the two presented. Kennie ran away. She ran out of the classroom, out of the building, and out into the street. The bell rang. Chaos ensued. I cornered her attacker. I was enraged, furious that one human being could be so cruel to another. I wanted to lay her out flat. She was twice my size.

I spoke, choosing the mildest words I could manage, given how I felt. I told her that sometimes she acted like a complete asshole! I didn’t care whether what I said was appropriate. I was angry and fed up with the abuse Kennie suffered day after day. I was at a loss as to how to help her. What I saw, however, triggered in me tremendous emotional pain, pain buried deep in my psyche, pain I could not forget.

I Was Outnumbered

It was 1972. Patched bell bottoms were the uniform. Boys’ sneakers, army jackets, and skin-tight tops were the rage. The social dress code forbade white socks. My mother, like most mothers, had set ideas on how a girl should dress. My teenage self believed that her ideas were far from fashionable. My wardrobe did not include the grungy, tie-dyed, patched clothing of the times. Some well-meaning aunts would give me bags of outdated clothes they had tired of or outgrown. Consequently, my dress was quite out of style.

One day, I was walking to the store in my 50s-style hot pink stretch pants, white socks, and girls’ sneakers. Then I saw them up ahead. Immediately, fear penetrated my soul. Pride kept me from running. They had been taunting me for weeks. There were five of them. There was an obvious ringleader. She was huge and appeared to be a few years older than I. “Hey, fag! Hey, fag with the white socks!”

The next thing I remember, I was surrounded. She was screaming something at me. She wanted to fight. I wouldn’t. I didn’t know how. There was no escape. I was outnumbered. The slap across my face stung. Angry and humiliated, I swore at her. There was no thought, just reaction. At that moment, the crowd parted. A friend and neighbor from across the street saw what was happening and summoned her older brother to help. They provided for my escape. The girls never bothered me again. I would be eternally grateful for this act of kindness.

That memory of cruelty and abuse, compounded by many, many others witnessed in the classroom over the years, compelled me to search for a deeper understanding of who I am, what I believe in, and how I could act on those beliefs. Thus emerged my philosophy.

Children are born with a wisdom waiting to unfold and manifest itself in personality. That personality, however, is directed by the environment in which the child lives. I believe that whether personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses take a positive or negative path, whether children reach their potential or not, depends on the children’s environment.

Once children have internalized the education provided by their environment, their behavior becomes set in patterns of reaction and response to that environment. This is why self-knowledge with an understanding of the origins of our attitudes, beliefs, and prejudices is necessary before we can change what isn’t working for us in relationships and consciously keep what does work.

Self-awareness and Empowerment

Only when the Kennies of the world can look at themselves, their behavior, their body language, and their appearance with insight and awareness can they begin to understand what they need to do to change from being a victim to being an empowered self.

When people are empowered, they free themselves from the victim role. They are no longer victims or oppressors. They are clear, focused, and centered in the strength of who they are.

We, as teachers of our children and our students, need an awareness of how our environment (media, culture, family values) shapes the way we think and feel. Once we have that awareness, it is our responsibility to educate our children. The alternative is to act blindly on impulses, feelings, and belief systems that have no known source or purpose.

Our culture, the media, and our individual family values have an impact on how we think.

Before they are two years old, children are aware of racial differences. By the age of three, they may attach value judgments to those differences. Between the ages of four and six, they show gender-stereotyped behaviours, and may reject children who differ from themselves in terms of race or physical disability.

How do stereotypes come about at such an early age? The first influences are the attitudes of immediate family members, often acquired unconsciously. Later, children absorb stereotypical messages from books, television, movies, magazines and newspapers.

– Susan Fountain, Education for Development

Scientific evidence presents a convincing argument that heredity and genetics play a major role in who we are. Studies also indicate, however, that our environment has an impact on how we develop. It is only when we are aware of this “conditioning” that we can act to change it.

Children are perceptive beings. If adults engage them in discussion of the conditions in their environment which affect the way they think and feel, children can learn to act rather than to react.

We adults are very aware and lament the negative influence that environmental factors such as the media and the commercial market are having on our children. It is important that we pass this awareness on to our children.

We should point out those things in the environment that condition children to accept stereotypes and bigotry, that desensitize them to violence and vulgarity, and that create in them reactive, inappropriate, emotional responses. Awareness and knowledge give them the power to make proactive decisions.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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Teaching point of view to young students

When considering  teaching peaceful classroom or conflict resolution skills to preschoolers, the most important developmental aspect to keep in mind is that they are unable to see another person’s point of view.

They are very egocentric. They have, however, a natural developmental capacity for empathy that needs to be allowed to flourish.

Have you had the experience of sharing stories in circle time with preschoolers and one child had a sad story to tell? Maybe his dog died and he started to cry. The next thing you know, several children are crying inconsolably. What happened? Empathy happened.

Preschoolers have the emotional ability to pick up on the feelings of other children and to match them to their own. If, in a given situation, they cannot do this, it is often because they do not have the vocabulary for the emotion. They cannot identify with the feeling if they cannot label it.

Therefore an excellent tool to use with preschoolers is one of those posters with all the labeled ‘emotion’ faces.  Children can spot how they’re feeling on the poster. You can give them the name for the emotion. As they develop a vocabulary for their emotions, they are able to empathize with that emotion.

You can find a Moodz Poster by clicking on the link.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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Using music to teach peace.

Use music to teach concepts of peace, cooperation, and sharing. Make music a part of every day. Preschoolers love music. It is amazing how much they can learn from the music that they listen to.

When my daughter was 18 months old, I discovered Brite Music). Brite Music has a tape called Safety Kids that teaches children safety rules, including their telephone number and what to do if they are lost in a store.

By the age of 2 ½, my daughter could sing her phone number. When we’d go to the mall, I would ask her what she should do if she got lost. She could tell me. She learned through the music. Consider how children learn their ABC’s. Look at the power of music and jingles in commercials. Music makes an impression that is remembered.

I highly recommend Brite Music. My favorite Brite Music tape is Someone Special You. This tape not only has a message for children, it has a message for all of us. Songs like “I Made A Mistake” (mistakes are for learning), “Think, Feel, Do Polka,” and “I Can Choose The Things I Think” are empowering and uplifting.

Another excellent tape is Teaching Peace by Red Grammer. Although this tape is a bit worldly for this age group, some of the songs relate to children and their feelings. Others relate to world concepts. It is positive music that introduces concepts of peace and world ‘oneness.’ Developmentally, it’s a little above preschoolers, but I think it still has value.

For more on Motivating Students, Get the book today! Bring Susan to your campus! How Can School & Home Develop Motivation and Success for Youth? Give your students the priceless gifts of empowerment, accountability, and motivation to tackle any learning challenge. Learn practical strategies today and implement them in your curriculum tomorrow. Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – How Can School & Home Develop Motivation and Success for Youth?

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Ten Ideas to Help Youth Learn More About Cyberbullying

1. Have students research the problem: Ask students to spend 30 minutes online to obtain a better understanding of what cyberbullying is. Chances are, many students have been victims or perpetrators of cyberbullying without even knowing. Discuss each student’s findings as a class.

2. Interview experts: Through the class discussion, develop questions about cyberbullying that your students want answered. Find a few cyberbullying experts online and drop them an email with the class’ questions. Then, discuss their answers.

3. Create informative posters: Ask students to design and create posters about the consequences of cyberbullying and how to deal with it. Not only will making the posters be a learning experience for the students involved, they can be displayed throughout your school and help educate other students as well.

4. Develop a website or blog: If you have a website for your classroom or subject area, add some information about cyberbullying. Otherwise, create your own cyberbullying resource page for students in your classroom or school to help students who may be victims of such bullying.

5. Have students mentor younger students: Ask your students to work together to create a presentation about cyberbullying to present to younger students. Ask students to share their own experiences with cyberbullying and to include ideas about how to stay safe online. This will help not only your students, but many others as well.

6. Ask students to write a letter: As a homework assignment or in-class project, have students write a short letter to the editor of your local paper expressing their concerns about cyberbullying and asking adults to take the problem seriously.

7. Create a public service announcement: As a class, work together to write and act out a short PSA about the consequences of cyberbullying. Film the skit and post it on the school’s website or show it at an assembly.

8. Educate your students on your school’s bullying policies: Ask students if they think the policies are strict enough and if they think they do enough to protect students from cyberbullying. If students think changes should be made, encourage them to talk to school officials.

9. Design a bumper sticker: As a homework assignment, ask students to design a bumper sticker that sends an important message about cyberbullying and its effects. Choose a winning design and display it throughout the school. Depending on your resources, bumper stickers of the winning design could be made and distributed to students and parents.

10. Write your own cyberbullying handbook: Assign different topics on cyberbullying- such as its dangers and what to do if you are a victim- to each student and ask them to write a few paragraphs on the subject along with an illustration or computer clip art. Then, put each student’s piece together to create your classroom’s very own cyberbullying handbook.

(Adapted from “Activities for Teens: Ten Ideas for Youth to Educate their Communities about Cyberbullying” by Sameer Hinduja, Ph.D. and Justin W. Patchin, Ph.D. at the Cyberbullying Research Center)

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell's book now. Don't waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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Stop Conflict in Its Tracks!

Anytime two or more people work together, there is the possibility of conflict.  So it is not surprising that conflicts can easily arise in the paraprofessional-teacher relationship.  Still, while conflicts may be commonplace, many people are unsure of how to deal with them.  How can one handle that conflict in a constructive way?  How can one manage the relationship so that both can work together without offending or hurting each other?

Ways to Constructively Deal With Conflicts

1. Try to remember that that when in conflict, it is most often about personality.  The other person is not out to get you.

2. Change negative self-talk into positive self-talk.  Often times when we are in conflict, we are thinking things such as, “That person should know better,” or “I told her that she should do such and such, and she didn’t listen to me!”  These statements are negative self-talk and beget more negativity, anger and frustration in a conflict.

3. Once you can stop negative self-talk and begin using positive self-talk, you can start considering solutions to the problem.  Consider, for example, “Next time X happens…I’ll do Y or Z.”

4. Seek suggestions from a supportive colleague, or someone you know who really understands how to approach different personalities.  You will find that person by looking for someone who seems to be able to work with just about anyone and who has an amazing understanding of people.  Seek that person out and ask him or her how you might approach the problem.

5. Consider using “I” statements to share how you feel about a situation.  Avoid using the word “you” when communicating how you feel.  Be careful to avoid blaming language, and even if you believe the other person is wrong, find a way to approach the conversation from a positive perspective.

Excerpted from Paraprofessionals and Teachers Working Together by Susan Gingras Fitzell.

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The relationship between a teacher and paraprofessional is just that: a relationship, with two people, two sets of opinions, and often times, two teaching philosophies.

And just like paraprofessionals sometimes need help dealing with their classroom teacher, often times teachers need help learning to work with their paraprofessional.

The following paraprofessional tips help teachers work well with the paraprofessionals in their classroom:

• Consider the paraprofessional an essential member of your teaching team.  Whenever possible, include the paraprofessional in planning, team meetings, troubleshooting, and any other decision where you feel input from the paraprofessional would be valuable.
• Empower the paraprofessional to monitor behavior and support the discipline process in the classroom.
• Discuss your goals, priorities, and plans with the paraprofessional on a daily basis.  Communication is critical, not only to the success of the students in the classroom, but also to the teaching relationship.
• Provide the paraprofessional with lesson plans, activities, or “to-do” items as soon as possible.
• Discuss issues with your paraprofessional, especially when the issue is related to the student he or she is working with.
• Avoid interruption when the paraeducator is working with with a student or several students.  Interruption undermines the paraprofessional’s authority with the students, and often causes distress and possible conflict.
• Compile a loose-leaf binder for the paraprofessional that contains class rules, expectations, a syllabus, etc.
• Model/teach how to respond to specific behavior.

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