Workplace bullying is a severe issue for all employees, and it is exponentially destructive for people on the autistic spectrum or with other neurocognitive differences. We know bullying, hazing, and harassment are workplace problems. Many of us struggle with how to deal with the issue effectively to s. Rather than philosophize about this issue, I’m sharing some practical strategies that provide ALL employees with a psychologically safe workplace and prevent bullying in a neurodiversity initiative.

1. Recognize bullying

Many workplaces do not recognize most bullying as severe enough to take action. Non-action conveys that the behavior is acceptable in a company’s culture. Consequently, bullying continues unchecked. Recognizing bullying is, therefore, crucial. We can’t fix a problem we can’t (or refuse to) see. Some companies face lawsuits because their neurodiversity initiative did not prepare the culture to understand and support the initiative first. Without taking the time to lay the groundwork, it’s challenging to build trust and psychological safety for teams.

Watch this video if you’d like to know how to promote trust on neurodiverse teams.

2. Foster effective management skills

“Nothing about us, without us,” an expression that may have originated at a disability conference in Eastern Europe, is an expression passionately exclaimed by the autistic community. Often, people with disabilities, people whose brains are wired differently, or people from minority groups are not included in discussions that make decisions that impact their lives and livelihoods. Influential leaders understand the importance of having stakeholders in the decision-making process. Ask for their thoughts, suggestions, and feedback. Provide a safe space for employees to share what isn’t working or how things might work even better. Success soars when a manager’s engagement with their employees is high. A manager’s attitude toward building a strong, supportive, positive workplace culture plays a vital role in protecting neurodivergent employees from harassment.

3. Provide education and training

Provide training and education about neurodiversity through thoughtful discussions and frequent training sessions. A one-and-done webinar on neurodiversity is not enough. It takes time, effort, and difficult conversations to foster changes in attitudes that, often, have formed over a lifetime. However, the investment is worthwhile because neurotypical employees can better support their neurodivergent coworkers when they understand daily difficulties. For a tangible example, meet Ella, an employee with a non-verbal learning disorder, and consider her humiliation when her teammate didn’t understand her learning differences.

4. Encourage generosity in the workplace

Appreciate employees’ excellent performance, give constructive feedback, and actively listen to their problems. I’ll never forget the one boss I had in my career that took the time to encourage, appreciate, and give kudos to me on sticky notes. That sticky note might be on a returned report he handed me (it said, “A thing of beauty”), or found in my office mailbox (that one said, “Well run meeting”), or on my desk (there were several over the years). I still have them. These little acts of kindness unlock generosity, willingness to share knowledge, and high morale. When employees feel good about their work environment, they are kinder to each other.

5. Create diverse teams when possible

I’ve heard stories of autistic employees being assigned to teams that only included other autistic employees. That’s akin to taking all the kids with learning disabilities and pulling them into a group in the back of the classroom and teaching them separately. The stigma is enormous, and expectations are often lower, thus stunting their growth. The effect is the same in the workplace. Include neurotypical and neurodivergent workers on teams because the ROI is much greater with the cognitive diversity on inclusive teams. Provide an environment that encourages a healthy exchange of ideas and acceptance of human differences. Such an environment helps employees to develop patience, generosity, acceptance, and mindfulness, all known to increase employee loyalty and retention.

6. Be an active listener

Listening skills are seriously underrated. Twenty years ago, active listening skills were taught in schools and businesses regularly. It was a ‘thing.’ Like many passing trends, listening skills fell out of vogue. Then came smartphones and reduced in-person face-to-face interaction. I suspect we, as a human race, listen less today than at any other time in history. Become a dependable source of support for your employees by learning how to connect sincerely and listen. Pay attention. It’s essential to not only listen to the words spoken but also to ‘listen’ to what is unsaid. Actively listen to them and provide helpful feedback. Active listening skills strengthen business connections, foster a sense of being heard or valued, foster trust, and enhance the value of communication. For a step-by-step guide for active listening, see my article, “3 Critical Skills Needed to Advance Your Career.”

7. Beware of environmental stressors

Inadequate or harsh lights, loud sounds, and strong fragrances can cause some, including the neurodivergent, to suffer chronic headaches, anxiety, visual stress, and depression. It’s difficult, and sometimes impossible, to work to the best of your ability in an uncomfortable environment. This is not an attitude problem; this is a biological problem. It’s also not a problem that only applies to neurodivergent employees. Consider how well you’d work in an office that was freezing cold or overly hot. How focused are you if you are trying to work while someone is banging on the ceiling while installing a new roof or fixing the air conditioning unit? Random noises are the worst distractors and annoyances. All of us struggle with some of these things.

Designing an environment conducive to high productivity is a win-win for everyone. If you can spare office space to create a sensory room, it might be just what is needed to bring out the best in some of your employees. For more information on sensory rooms, I’ve expanded on the idea in this article, “Sensory Rooms - Facilitating Neurodivergent- Friendly Workplaces.”

8. Create a lending library

Human resource teams and managers in every neurodiverse organization would benefit from access to books or articles on neurodiversity written by neurodivergent authors. Most people still don’t know what the word “neurodiversity” means. Even fewer understand the deeper nuances of neurodivergence. Making books and resources on neurodiversity available allows people to learn when they are interested and ready. These resources would be better if provided in multiple formats such as audiobooks, white papers, paperbacks, or digitally.

9. Institute a zero-tolerance rule

Bullying occurs in work environments where a disrespectful attitude is accepted. Implement strictly operational policies to stop workplace bullying under all circumstances and foster an atmosphere of mutual respect and courtesy. All allegations of abuse or bullying at work, whether possible or actual, should be dealt with in privacy, addressed seriously, and immediately investigated.

10. Understand the differences

Understand the differences between neurodivergent people born with brains wired differently and other mental disabilities and illnesses. Understand that not all autistic people have high support needs. Many are so successful in their careers and good at masking their neuro difference that they appear neurotypical. Recognizing our neurological perspectives helps us coexist more smoothly. Most of our attitudes and views toward people on the spectrum, or people with dyslexia, OCD, and other types of neurodivergence, are inaccurate. They are based on media representations or that kid we went to school with that was constantly criticized by the teacher for not acting or learning like ‘the other kids.’

Final thoughts on ways to prevent bullying in a neurodiversity initiative

It is time to stop ignorance and intolerance toward neurodivergence. If there is anything for which we need a solution, it is not autism but rather prejudice and ignorance. So, taking steps to understand neurodiversity, talk about it openly, and promote understanding will go a long way to foster successful neurodiversity.

Neurodiversity Definition

Neurodiversity: this term refers to a general diversity of minds. It includes people who are neurotypical and neurodivergent. When I talk about promoting neurodiversity in the workplace, for example, I am referring to creating a diverse workforce representative of the broad spectrum that exists when it comes to ways of thinking, processing information, communication, and learning. Some employees may be “normal” or neurotypical while others may have ADHD, Dyslexia, Autism, or trauma impacted ways of thinking. I am not referring to any particular label or diagnosis, but rather, the concept of an environment where a diversity of minds coexist.

Neurodiverse: This word is pretty much the same as neurodiversity, but should be used as an adjective. You can say, for example, that your workplace is neurodiverse.

Be careful though, because you should never describe a person as being neurodiverse. Individual people should be described as neurodivergent.

Neurodivergent: This word describes an individual whose way of thinking falls outside of society’s defined version of normal. Oftentimes you will see it abbreviated as ND.

Many times, neurodivergent people will have a diagnosis or label you may recognize, like autism, dyslexia, or ADHD. But neurodivergent people are also those with epilepsy, different kinds of brain trauma, or simply a unique way of thinking that may not have a specific diagnosis.

FREE DOWNLOAD: Neurodiversity in the Workplace: Things to Consider Before You Jump On the Bandwagon

Neurodiverse hiring practices can benefit any company in any industry and in more areas than most people realize. The investment has yielded greater patenting, innovation, process improvement, efficiency, and creativity not only in technology industries but also in industries that include investment banking, insurance, and mortgage banking.

This resource explains the term “neurodiversity” and describes the potential positive impact on your business that can come from including neurodivergent individuals in your workplace.

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“We are three orphans from Ethiopia. Today we are…” As the presenter read the story starter, my partner and I imagined how we would finish it. “We are three orphans from Ethiopia. Today we are rummaging for food in the streets of our village. We are hungry and scared.” As we finished that story starter and others like it, we felt sure that our impressions were an accurate example of the plight of others in the world.

The presenters, women involved in conflict resolution and peace education in Denmark, finished the story starters for us after we wrote our drafts. They put pictures up on a screen that in every case totally contradicted our perceptions. The orphans were healthy, smiling and playing in a field of teff, Ethiopia’s staple grain.

“Wow, were we wrong in our perceptions!” I exclaimed to my partner who is also from the USA. He was as embarrassed as I was at our obvious stereotypes. As I listened to the presenters, I realized that people from all over the world made the same mistakes and shared similar perceptions. This moment was life changing for me. For the next few years, I would explore perceptions and help others to see what I saw by doing this exercise repeatedly in my workshops. The stereotypes exist everywhere I go.

This incident was just one that touched my heart and soul during a hot summer week in 1995. I was scheduled to speak at the Fifth World Congress International Educators for Peace Conference in Vermont, U.S.A. At the time, I was “new” to public speaking and a beginner on my path to seeking insights and solutions to peace: peace in the world, peace in schools and most importantly, peace within myself. The greatest challenge and joy would not come from speaking, but rather would come from what I encountered within myself. The experience with the story starters was only the beginning.

At lunch, I sat at a table with people from France, Egypt, Canada, U.S.A., Africa, India, and Denmark. Lunch discussion brought out issues around the definition of violence. A woman from Canada looked at me and claimed, “You Americans define violence as a physical act, however, violence can be verbal and sometimes that is a far greater violence than fists and knives.” I was taken aback at her cutting accusation, naïve to the ways of the world. “Yes,” I agreed, “words can leave scars that last a lifetime.” Schools here, however, rarely address verbal violence. So, we rarely think in terms of words as violence. The raw vulnerability that I felt sitting at that table was uncomfortable.

The discussion turned to the workshop I had participated in earlier in the day. “‘Save the Children’ advertisements are one of the worst reinforcers of African stereotypes in the media. The ads infuriate me!” An elder African woman explained.

“Why?” I asked, “Don’t those ads bring in money that helps African people?” Her answer was an emphatic, “Yes, but imagine if we focused on one of your American ghettos and put ads all over our country depicting it as representative all of America. How would you feel? Those ads promote the stereotypes that you saw this morning. We have beautiful places in Africa. Not all our children have distended bellies.” I listened humbled. Once again, feeling ignorant, but, at the same time immensely grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn.

Peace through open expression became delightful during the conference’s international dance. People gathered together with instruments and voices, people from all different cultures and world experiences. In this moment, their voices sang in unison the words of folk songs of all nations. Music filled the air with a joyful intensity that I had never experienced.

Later, a world music-drumming group played several rhythms in the background. The sound of the beat vibrating through the air touched the souls of all in the room. So many of us danced together in the room, as one people, not knowing who’s hand we took to swing and twirl, not caring what their ideology, politics or beliefs. In that moment, we were simply human beings dancing together to the beat of the music, some of us African, Indian, French, Danish, American, Egyptian, German, English, Spanish; human. The joy in my heart seemed to lift me off the floor. I was overcome with the experience and sought out Glen Hawkes, the conference organizer. When I found him, words burst from my heart, “Glen, thank you so much for organizing this conference. What a beautiful thing out there! People from all over the world dancing are together as one and it does NOT matter where they are from! At this moment in time, we are all simply human dancing to one beat.” Glen looked at me smiling, “Your eyes are sparkling from deep within your soul. That is what this day is about.”

My greatest challenge, then joy, came from what I encountered within myself during open expressions with people of other lands. This experience has touched my life continually reminding me of who we are at our core: humans capable of love and peace if we can carefully understand each other’s experiences and create harmony through our cooperation.

For more information about conflict education and caring communities, see Susan Fitzell’s book, Free The Children, Conflict Education for Strong and Peaceful Minds. Available in both print and electronic versions!

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Many times, if young children are unable to act empathetic towards their siblings, friends, and classmates, it is not because they do not feel empathy, it is simply because they do not have the correct vocabulary to communicate their emotions.

Teaching children emotional vocabulary is a key part of conflict education at a young age. For a group activity, ask children: “What does feeling happy feel like? Look like? What color is it? What animal is a happy animal? What does feeling angry feel like? Look like? What color is it? What animal is an angry animal? How do we act when we are happy? When we are angry? How do we treat other people?” Act these feelings and actions out in role-play, and role-play alternative responses.

One teacher of four-year-olds was having trouble with arguments and fighting in her class. She felt that she had to address the problem directly with the entire group, as well as individually, if she was to see consistent results. She writes this about her experience:

This year in the Pre-K class we began by identifying feelings. We talked about how various situations make us feel. Our goal is to encourage the children to use words to express feelings and thus to avoid some confrontations and conflicts. One activity to encourage talking about feelings was the following: Each child made stick puppets whose faces reflected basic emotions (happy, sad, mad). We discussed various situations (when a friend hurts you, when you have pizza for lunch, when a parent is sick, when you spend time with a grandparent…) and the children used the puppets to display how they would feel.

As a follow-up to this, we now have the children express their feelings, following a conflict, come up with a solution, shake hands to show they agree with it, and plan how to implement the solution. For example, following a physical argument between two children, they talked about why they were pushing and what they could do to make each other feel better. The solution was to listen when one person was asking the other something. The children made up with a hug and a handshake.

Give children a vocabulary for their emotions

ive youth a vocabulary for their emotions – Use our Moodz poster to help kids identify their emotions and name their feelings. Students may not have the words for what they are feeling, but they may recognize the emotion in the expression on a child’s face. Ask children to point to the face on the poster that best expresses their own feelings and then teaches them the label for that feeling.

Children may not have the word for what they are feeling, but they may recognize the emotion in the expression on a child’s face. Ask children to point to the face that best expresses their own feeling. Give them the label for that feeling, using it as a springboard for discussion.

By helping children understand the names of their emotions, they can better communicate those emotions and better deal with conflict.

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Explain to students that the brain relies on chemical messengers called neurotransmitters to send messages to other parts of the body and enables us to express our emotions.  Insufficient or out-of-balance neurotransmitters can produce mood swings, anxiety, and depression. Drugs and alcohol can play a major role in the imbalance of these important chemical messengers.

It is important for young people to understand that, when a drug is taken, it acts as an artificial neurotransmitter.  When alcohol is consumed, for example, it substitutes for endorphins, the neurotransmitters that significantly affect mood, causing the brain to produce less of its own natural endorphins.  Like alcohol, all drugs that replace neurotransmitters cause the brain to produce less of its own natural chemical messengers.  This can have lasting effects on mood and other important brain processes long after the drug is used.

Talk with students about what kind of affects commonly-used drugs can have on their brains and their ability to control their anger and other emotions:

1. Marijuana: Marijuana replaces the natural receptor for serotonin, a neurotransmitter responsible for aggressive behavior, sleep, and hunger, therefore causing an imbalance in the brain.  The brain signals that it has too much serotonin and stops producing it.  When the drug wears off, the brain does not have enough serotonin, which consequently causes withdrawal symptoms, such as insomnia, fatigue, depression, and mood swings.  All of these could affect a young person’s ability to control their anger.
2. Alcohol: Alcohol also alters serotonin levels and substitutes for endorphins, therefore causing an imbalance in the brain.  The brain signals that it has excess endorphins and slows down its natural production of them.  When alcohol wears off, the brain does not have enough endorphins to relieve normal, everyday pain.  Students are less likely to deal with their anger responsibly when in pain or feeling sick.
3. Cocaine: Cocaine releases excess dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for controlling moods and feelings of pleasure, into the brain.  This  blocks the gates where natural dopamine would enter a cell for up to 72 hours and causes some of the natural dopamine to be lost, thus damaging a person’s ability to feel pleasure.  When the drug wears off, users are often unable to feel pleasure, happiness, or other emotions, and become severely depressed.  This can significantly alter someone’s ability to control and express their emotions, including anger.

By teaching students about the ways that drugs and alcohol affect their ability to manage anger, we are equipping them with the knowledge they need to understand the chemical processes behind their emotions and the ways that artificial substances can affect them.  And, most importantly, we give them one more reason to stay away from harmful drugs in the first place.

Click HERE for more information on Susan Fitzell’s Anger Management Curriculum for Teens!

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Talking to Angry Children and Angry Teens

When I taught high school, I often found myself in a position where I had to help angry teens come up with solutions for their problems and alternatives to their behavior. That conversation was difficult to start when a student was “angry” and could not truly express how he or she felt. Parents and teachers of all grade levels are faced with how to talk to angry youth, whether angry children or angry teens more often that one might expect.

Using a Multi-ethnic Feelings Poster to Identify Emotions

Using the Moodz poster that my daugter designed to start the conversation helped me to get a better idea of how students were feeling. Once I had some insights to their feelings, I could help them better deal with issues and problem solve for the future.

Emotional IQ Requires Language for Emotions

Children need language for their emotions. When they have language for their emotions, they can identify how they felt before they got angry. Then I was able to start a conversation with an angry youth that became a productive problem solving approach for dealing with student anger. Angry youth are increasingly posing challenges for parents and teachers. Dealing with angry youth is critical for emotional health.

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Throw Out Patterns of Thinking that Accept or Excuse Bullying

We have reached a point in our society where it can no longer be acceptable to sit back and watch children engage in name-calling, taunting, pushing, and grabbing, as if resigned to the inevitability of this kind of bullying. Also, in regards to gender stereotypes, the adage that boys will be boys is a dinosaur. If we want children to be of good character and able to handle conflict peacefully, we need to cast out patterns in our thinking that say, This behavior is normal. Its been going on forever. There is nothing I can do about it. There IS something you can do! Children need to have their natural sense of empathy fostered and encouraged. They need to be taught to see other people’s points of view. It is important that the consequences of their actions are explained to them in terms that drive the point home.

React with “Moral Feeling”

Thomas Lickona in Educating For Character (1992) states, “Recent child-rearing research finds that children who are the most empathic and altruistic have parents who react strongly to their children’s offenses.” For example, you might say, “You hurt Amy. Pulling hair hurts! Don’t ever pull hair!” rather than “How do you think it feels when you pull Amy’s hair?” or “Do you think it’s a good idea to pull Amy’s hair?” It’s the combination of the parents’ moral reasoning and moral feeling that appears to motivate children to take seriously what they have done and to become sensitive to the feelings of others. I personally have found this to be true with my children. If emphatic moral feeling is attached to the reprimand and reasoning, children pay attention. By simply saying, “Don’t pull Amy’s hair. It’s not nice.” — with or without punishment — we will not teach the child to relate his/her behavior to another’s hurt.

Reduce and Monitor Television Viewing

It is also important to note that learning relationship skills is taking a back seat to watching TV and videos and playing video games. Children are not interacting with each other to build necessary social skills. Children bring their computer games to school, which further decreases interactive games and activities. Preschool and primary school teachers repeatedly tell me that children are coming to school without basic social skills. These teachers believe that the media play a large role in this situation. The TV is a wonderful baby-sitter! The price we pay for that “baby-sitter” is costing our children the ability to develop socially.

Teach Social Skills and Expect Courtesy

We need to teach relationship skills in our classrooms and homes. We get so many mixed messages from society and our culture that it is sometimes difficult to know which relationship skills we are missing. Courtesy has gone by the wayside. We often don’t even notice when our children don’t say “please,” “thank you,” or “excuse me.” Language has become littered with vulgarity. Vulgar language seems so commonplace now that it is the accepted norm in many families. “Put-downs” are a form of accepted humor. This is reinforced by countless “sit-corns” where we are entertained by family members and friends insulting each other all in the name of humor.

5 Practical Suggestions for Relationships

• Teach social skills.
• Teach and reinforce courtesy.
• React with “Moral Feeling.”
• Throw out patterns of thinking that accept or excuse bullying:
  • “Boys will be boys!”
  • “Hazing is a tradition!”
  • “Name-calling is normal!”
• Reduce and monitor television viewing. Encourage interactive play with other children.

For more information about conflict education and caring communities, see Susan Fitzell’s book, Free The Children, Conflict Education for Strong and Peaceful Minds. Available in both print and electronic versions!

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It was reassuring to me to see Claire’s boys and to speak with her about common concerns. I had begun to have a few doubts and felt that maybe I was doing my son an injustice by rearing him with an awareness of stereotypes and a minimum of media violence. I noticed a common ‘difference’ between our children and others. Our children were gentle. In a culture that holds up aggressive, macho males as the masculine ideal, could the ‘gentle’ man survive with self-esteem intact? I thought that my son’s love of beauty and aesthetics in his surroundings and nature were nurtured and encouraged because he had an older sister. There were no sex-stereotyped boundaries drawn in his dress-up play. He was not physically aggressive. I’d see him with other little boys and notice an obvious difference. I didn’t worry until the time when he was playing with a male friend and was reduced to tears because he chose to play with a toy that his friend disdainfully called “girlish.” The scene broke my heart. Was I doing the right thing? I started to talk to my son about American culture.

There was little difference between the gentleness in Claire’s boys and the gentleness of my own children. Her five-year-old had an older brother. My theory that my son was gentle and a lover of aesthetics because he had an older sister went out the window. Claire had the same concerns as I. She knew she was raising children who were ‘different.’ We discussed the ramifications of our choice to raise peaceful children. We considered the price our children would pay because of our beliefs. We decided that the cost of allowing them to be raised with acceptance of media violence and sexual stereotypes would be greater. She was considering karate lessons for her older son so that he would have the confidence ‘not to fight,’ but also the skill to defend himself if he absolutely needed to. My children both take karate for the same reasons. This choice was reinforced in one of my workshops when a mother described how her son, whom she had brought up to be peaceful, was being bullied by other boys who did not have the same value system. Confused and distraught, she questioned her choice because she felt it set her son up as a victim.

I remember a conversation with another mother of a five-year-old boy. Sharon recalled a time when she had not yet heard of Power Rangers. She had managed to protect her child from Ninja Turtles and felt good about that accomplishment. At her son’s fifth birthday party, however, Power Ranger products were the gift of choice. Not knowing anything about the show, she started to watch it with her son. It didn’t seem quite so bad. After all, it had a moral at the end of every story. It eventually became an acceptable pastime in their home. She was torn between her personal beliefs, the popular attitude that “It can’t really hurt them,” and a key comment her son had made. He shared with her that he was happy he had Power Rangers. Now he wouldn’t feel left out. She was struck by the fact that her five-year-old had already experienced the exclusion felt by kids who are ‘different.’ She was in conflict. She did not want her son to feel excluded or ‘different.’ I could see her dilemma. As she spoke with me, I could sense her mixed feelings: her need to defend her choice to allow Power Rangers in her home and her guilt at doing so at the risk of some vague possibility that it could have a harmful effect on her child. What does a parent do?

My husband and I did not buy my children Power Ranger toys. They have not watched the show in our home. We did not, however, forbid them to watch the show when at friends’ homes. When they received Power Ranger toys with a fast food kid’s meal, we allowed them to keep them. We walk a tight line between allowing them to do things other kids do and keeping with our values. We don’t want the backlash that comes with forbidden fruit. Instead, we talked to our children about how Power Rangers solve their problems. We used language they could understand to discuss how commercials sell toys and how toy companies try to make a lot of money regardless of the cost to children’s development. We spoke to them about what really happens when people are kicked or punched. We talked to them about how the families of the ‘bad guys’ might feel when their children or siblings are killed. We conceded and bought Batman toys without guns. We also found a video of the original movie: the one we watched as kids. (Yes, that movie is hokey and unsophisticated; however, my kids enjoyed it. Children don’t need the sophistication and violence present in today’s shows.) Hopefully, we can find a balance in a world that presents thousands of violent images to children each week.

Understand that I am empathetic to the plight of parents in our culture. There is so little support for parents attempting to buffer their children from the violence in our world. On the contrary, there is tremendous pressure to give in and conform. Much of this pressure is subtle. It comes in the form of facial expressions, body language, and comments that tell us we are silly to be so concerned about the toys our children play with and the shows our children watch. After all, we watched Bugs Bunny and played with guns when we were kids! Parents who believe media violence won’t hurt their children may feel judged and defensive when confronted with arguments against media violence and stereotypes. Another obstacle to overcome in our busy, fast-paced world is the lack of time to reflect on our own attitudes and conditioning. Society sends out so many mixed messages affecting how we think that we may not be sure about what we believe. Until we know who we are and where we stand on these issues, we cannot give clear messages to our children about conflict, violence, or gender stereotypes. Once we know where we stand on these issues, we can begin to educate our children. If they are ‘different’ because they are peaceful, we can feel confident that we did our best to stand by what we believe is right.

Adapted from Free the Children Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds, by Susan Gingras Fitzell, copyright 1997 Gabriola Island, BC, Canada, and Stony Creek, CT: New Society Publishers

For more information about conflict education and caring communities, see Susan Fitzell’s book, Free The Children, Conflict Education for Strong and Peaceful Minds. Available in both print and electronic versions!

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This situation had been progressing over a period of three months. The mother finally decided to take action and speak to her child’s teachers. What she saw was the faces of teachers who had no idea that they were hurting kids, kids that they thought the world of, kids for which they truly they cared. Most teachers mean well when they react to frustrations, disappointments, and challenges in the classroom. Good intentions, however, don’t always make up for the pain caused by hurtful teacher behaviors.

Today, much of our society accepts some of the most hurtful language as acceptable humor. Sarcasm has become commonplace in the home, classroom, and media. Much media humor is sarcastic. Unfortunately, that very sarcasm is what fuels an uncaring community in the classroom. Some kids think it’s funny. Some kids are indifferent. Some kids can’t read the innuendo and social signals behind its use. Some kids misunderstand it, and some kids are deeply hurt by it. How does a classroom teacher decide what is ‘safe sarcasm’ and what is not? How does a classroom teacher decide what is a positive and effective reaction in the classroom or what is not? Is there ever room for teachers to be hurtful in their approach to their students? There are those that would justify it, however, those same teachers pay a price beyond what they may recognize. That price is the children’s sense of well-being, wholeness, and their potential success. Often, rather than more compliant students, they get students who lash out.

Hurtful behaviors and language in the classroom may be considered bullying. Consider what behaviors we don’t accept from students toward other students in our classrooms. Do we, teachers, ever use those same behaviors towards students in the name of discipline, classroom management, or even motivation?

What teacher behaviors are hurtful or actually bullying? How do we know if we are using these behaviors? One way to consider these difficult questions is to reflect. We can ask ourselves:

Do we ever do the following behaviors?

• Make fun of a child (kidding children about moving slowly, not being with it, behaviors we find uncomfortable or odd, etc.)Ignore the pain or sadness of a child.Become verbally brutal in our words or tone: Shouting out orders to do something … “Come here!” “You stay there!” in a commanding or disdainful way, calling kids losers, telling them they are SpEd so they are not smart enough to read “that” book, etc.Issue vindictive or counterproductive threats: “If you don’t finish your work, you won’t get lunch.” The difference between hurtful threats and discipline is discipline teaches appropriate behavior and is thought out ahead of time with the child’s understanding of the consequences.Be inappropriate with intimacy: Holding or hugging in a way that is inappropriate, or kissing.Ignore a child.Be brusque or short in time given to listen to a child.Continually point out what the child is doing wrong.Push a child along physically; manhandling or pulling to make the child move.Snatch an object out of a child’s hands.
• Think disdainfully of a child and letting it show.
• Yell in an out of control manner at a child.
• Cross the line between showing appropriate anger in a respectful way and being disrespectful to a child to show our anger.
• Tell a child that they did something bad when what they did was not deliberate or malicious.
• Assume the worst about what a child just did without taking the time to understand the child’s reasoning and motivation.
• Not act when a child is mistreating another child.
• Not act when a grown-up is mistreating another child (finding the best way and time is not easy).
• Use hurtful sarcasm directed at a student to discipline.
• Talk badly about kids in the teacher’s room, or worse, in the halls or classroom in front of kids.
• Deliberately humiliate children in front of their peers.

Some other examples of hurtful behaviors that children have experienced at the hands of their teachers are:

• A child’s binder is unkempt so the teacher holds it up as an example to the class and lets all the contents fall onto the floor as the teacher berates the child in front of everyone.
• Praising the children who got A’s in a way that embarrasses them and makes them targets of envy or causes others in the class to feel put down.
• Targeting kids that are labeled ‘trouble makers’. Not cutting them any slack, while at the same time, favoring kids who are more popular, athletic, or intelligent. Allowing those kids to escape deserved discipline that the targeted kids must endure.

Reflecting on our behavior and language to address problem issues is never easy. None of us is perfect. All of us fail to meet our own standards at times. The purpose of reflection is not to find our “failures” and berate ourselves for them, but rather to see where we may be able to improve and help ourselves and our students to grow.

Two simple approaches to behavior management that make a huge difference in the atmosphere of our classrooms:

First: Use positive language when speaking to youth. Never use sarcasm or destructive criticism.

Second: Use authoritative discipline. The authoritative approach is firm, but involves students in making class rules providing the rationale behind those rules.

We are our students’ role models. We want to be the best role model we can be! We can when we take the time to reflect, change what is not working or what we don’t like, and grow from the experience.

For more information about conflict education and caring communities, see Susan Fitzell’s book, Free The Children, Conflict Education for Strong and Peaceful Minds. Available in both print and electronic versions!

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The post Teachers as Role Models: Hurtful Language and Behavior in the Classroom appeared first on Susan Fitzell.

Like Jeckyl & Hyde, when the test was over, he smiled at me, said, “Good job!” and handed me my new belt. I didn’t feel good. I felt defeated. I blamed myself. I had been working extra hours on the computer to complete work for my business. I knew that I had not been eating well or sleeping enough. I was tired. My responsibilities as a business owner, teacher (I was doing summer testing for my school district), parent, and wife had taken time away from my martial arts training. So in some way, I felt I must have ‘deserved it’.

For three weeks after, I would wake in the middle of the night with nightmares. I would wake with him screaming at me in my mind’s eye. I barely ate during those weeks. I lost eight pounds. I tried to make sense of the situation and my feelings. I finally asked him about the test. I asked him why? He said I did very well during the test. He felt humiliation was important for students to experience. He justified his behavior by saying if I was attacked on the street, I would need to be able to handle the humiliation and verbal abuse of the attack. That sounded reasonable. So I bought it. I then put myself on a training program that would guarantee that I would never be in that situation again.

As my martial arts skills improved, as I took better care of my diet, and got enough sleep, I questioned the method used to motivate me into action. As a public school teacher, fear and intimidation as a teaching tool went against everything I believed in. Why was it working? If it was working for me, did that mean there is good reason to use such tactics to motivate students? It didn’t make sense. What was wrong with this picture? The answer became clear a year and a half later.

I changed schools. The Jeckyl & Hyde behavior of my former instructor took its toll over time. I finally stood up to him fearlessly and without regret. For the first eight months in the new school, I would wait for my Sifu to rage, to put me down, to lose control. It never happened. In about the eighth month I realized, for the first time, the long term price I would pay because of my first instructor. I had a hard time trusting. Intimidation and fear had become a part of my pattern of thinking. I was always on guard. In the ninth month, I relaxed somewhat. I finally trusted that I would not be raged at or put down.

Then, I was told I would test. It had been a year and a half since the “test from hell.” The closer I got to the test, the more tense I became. One week before the test, I was experiencing such extreme anxiety that I had difficulty sleeping. I woke up one night to realize Jeckyl & Hyde had invaded my dreams. I now fully understood the price that I paid that year and a half ago when I endured that test. If I didn’t get a grip on myself and resolve what I was feeling, the flashbacks and fear could prevent me from doing well with this test.

I really wanted to do well on this test. There was a key difference in my motivation, however. This difference reinforced my teaching philosophy. This difference explained it all. I was motivated to do well, but not because I feared my Sifu. My Sifu is caring and encouraging. His standards are high, his style traditional, and his expectations clear. He may occasionally raise his voice, but he never puts me down. Any fear I felt, I recognized as residual. It belonged to Jeckyl & Hyde. I wasn’t motivated by fear of punishment. I was motivated because I respected my Sifu and I didn’t want to let him, or myself, down. I knew he respected me. That was the difference. I knew I had made a commitment to do my best when he took me as a student. I was motivated to honor that commitment. If I knew that I did my best, I would feel good about myself, no matter the result.

The test was a positive learning experience. No one yelled. No one was humiliated. Everyone was encouraged. The atmosphere was calm, caring, and understanding. I left astounded at the difference. The experience healed my wounds. It motivated me to work harder, to be better, to be the best I could be. It calmed my fears. I grew as a person. I gained a deeper understanding of my role as at teacher. The lesson would filter into my relationships with others in a positive way.

The behavior problems in schools today prompt many people to say that schools should be more punitive. Punishment as defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary is “harsh or injurious treatment.” Some people advocate corporal punishment. Some teachers use humiliation and put downs to control their students. What these advocates of punitive justice in the schools miss is the long term psychological effects of such methods. Students’ behavior may improve under such treatment in the short term. The motivation is fear. When fear is the motivator, moral development stops, emotional scars are embedded in the soul, and behavior is ‘good’ only until fear can be escaped.

I’m an advocate of caring discipline. Discipline, as defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary is “training that develops self-control, character, or orderliness and efficiency. Could push-ups or consequences be an aspect of that discipline? Absolutely! The difference lies in the presentation of the consequence. If discipline is accompanied by ridicule, is excessively harsh, or unpredictable and inconsistent, it is punishment. Punishment destroys the spirit. Discipline builds character. Self-discipline, the goal of discipline, builds self-esteem.

If I had not had both these experiences, I would have intellectually understood the philosophical arguments for discipline and against punishment, but, my understanding would not have come from an experience that touched me deeply. Experience makes a better teacher. Some adults from my generation, who were often educated in punitive environments, may never have experienced caring discipline. Consequently, these adults would look at the world with the attitude, “If It worked for me, it will work for them.” The emotional scars that result from punishment and ridicule may be repressed, or taken as part of the ‘character building’ process, therefore justified. It is a sad statement about our culture that most adults have never experienced caring discipline. Rather, they’ve endured punishment. Only when you experience both, can you fully understand the difference.

For more information about conflict education and caring communities, see Susan Fitzell’s book, Free The Children, Conflict Education for Strong and Peaceful Minds. Available in both print and electronic versions!

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As a parent and educator, I continually search for ways to reach, nurture and empower girls so that they may value their caring nature and keep the strength of their child spirit. The task is challenging beca

use adolescent girls not only face the age old issues of coming of age, they must also deal with attitudes, problems and pressures that were once reserved for adults. Parents and teachers must overcome tremendous obstacles to accomplish the task of fostering courage, strength and compassion in our girls.

Media and the Messages it Sends to Girls

A recent Nike Ad featuring a female runner being pursued by a chainsaw wielding attacker br

ought the issues young women face to the fore for me once again. Horrified, I got on my activist soapbox and encouraged all who I knew to protest. Why? Because if our voices are not heard as a unified plea to help our children, the media’s assault to our senses and sensibilities will continue. When we speak out against actions that diminish our girls, we present ourselves as strong, caring and courageous role models.

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Empower Girls

Advertisers and scriptwriters continually present women in violent, degrading scenes and we, as parents and educators, must deal with the fall-out. Rather than become discouraged, we need to stand up and be noticed. We have a powerful voice! Our girls hear us rise up to speak and learn from our words and actions. The first step in the process of raising strong girls is to be a positive role model.

Adolescent Girls Need Positive Role Models

Positive role models are critical to a child’s development. Girls need adults in their lives who model assertiveness, strength, caring and responsiveness. They need to see the women in their lives value and foster positive relationships. We need to empower them to make decisions and solve problems within the safety net of our love and guidance. Girls need to see us working to continually improve our ability to communicate our needs, hopes, and concerns so that we nurture others but don’t lose ourselves. In a world defined by clothing labels, media hype, and gender stereotypes, girls need role models who base their identity and self-worth on who they are as people, rather than how pretty or fashionable they are.

The Secret is in Educating Adolescent Girls to Be their True Selves

Given the power of the media and the negative messages it sends about women, we must educate our girls to recognize and reject this conditioning. First, we must work to understand how the media and our culture impact our thinking, and with that understanding learn to revive our true selves. Only, then we can help our young women understand this conditioning and make conscious choices about who they are and what they want rather than subconsciously conform to society’s expectations.

Each one of us is a powerful role model for the adolescent girls we reach. We cannot be

too assertive in sharing our views or providing a good example. They need us desperately at this point in their lives. Let your voice be heard!

For more information about conflict education and caring communities, see Susan Fitzell’s book, Free The Children, Conflict Education for Strong and Peaceful Minds. Available in both print and electronic versions!

Would you like to reprint this article, or an article like it, in your newsletter or journal?
CLICK HERE to visit the articles page.

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The post Fostering Courage, Strength, and Compassion in Adolescent Girls: The First Step appeared first on Susan Fitzell.