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Social Exclusion Hurts

Journal entry 1995 by Susan Fitzell:
Before I began teaching my conflict resolution lesson at [/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][the elementary school] today, Mrs. [classroom teacher] told me that the children had a question for me.  They had been doing a realistic role-play, in reverse.  There have been problems on the playground with boys wanting to play jump-rope.

Two things were happening;  1) The girls won’t let the boys play, or 2) the boys play and other boys make fun of them for playing a ‘girls’ game.

I addressed the latter the last time that I was in the class by telling them that one of the ways boxers train is by jump-roping.  Boxers are far from feminine.  We discussed other activities such as cooking, house cleaning, taking out the trash, football, ballet, etc. that have gender stereotypes attached to them.  That seemed to help them.

Today, the problem was that the boys were role-playing an incident that happened at recess.  The boys were jump-roping.  A group of girls wanted to play.  No matter how hard the girls tried to get the boys to let them play, the boys held their ground and would not let the girls in.

The question was, what do you do when, no matter how hard you try, you are not let in?  We talked about what was fair.  Was life fair? Maybe this was a time to ‘walk away’,  get their own jump-rope and play by themselves.  We talked about whether we could make  someone do something that they did not want to do.

Is Social Exclusion/Bullying By Exclusion on the Playground Trivial?

These arguments often seem petty to adults in the context of children’s play.  I think that adults forget the powerful emotions around the issue of bullying by exclusion.  Adults are often excluded in various ways in life but, in an adult context, it seldom feels trivial.  An adult may be left out of a promotion, a business meeting, a family or neighborhood event.  Because the issues are in a ‘real life’ setting,  it is difficult to relate feelings that erupt from adult social exclusion to bullying by exclusion of children at school. Well, I had an experience that brought this awareness home to me at a “kid” level.  I find that it is difficult to even admit my feelings and write about them, because of the many messages I received all my life that “these feelings are petty, silly, not valid.”

Social Exclusion in the Adult World: Is it Trivial?

There was a woman in my martial arts class who I’d known  for at least a year.  Outside of  general courtesy, she had never extended a hand of friendship towards me during our time in class together.  This was fine because there were other women in the class that I related to well and felt comfortable with.  However, the issue became emotional for me when this woman, one of the few who liked to spar (practice fighting/kickboxing), excluded me continually as a sparring partner.  If there was no one else to spar with, she simply would not spar, leaving me with no one to spar with either.  We sparred together once because the instructor put us together.  She was much better than me in the ring and had told me that she liked to spar with “so and so” because she was the only one close to her level.  She would also spar with men.

I was not ready for the anger and raw emotion that finally erupted in me on a night that I showed up wanting to spar and was excluded once again. Sparring only occurs when there are people available to spar and an instructor there to supervise.  Consequently, there were  times when it was not held.  Also, there are times that sparring is pre-empted by private lessons or preparations for upcoming competitions. During the scheduled sparring time, called Fun Spar, this woman put on sparring gear.  She got into the ring and was preparing to spar with a young man.  When I asked if they were having “Fun Spar” that night, I was curtly told, “I wouldn’t call it fun.” She didn’t look at me.  I was completely ignored. The message was loud and clear; you can’t play!

My Inner Child Hurt

What my intellect understands about people who behave this way, and what my heart feels when they do, did not gel in that moment.  I felt what those kids on the playground felt.  I felt what the excluded child feels.  My inner child hurt.  I was left out of an activity I loved at the whim of  another person and an instructor who did not hear or ignored the interaction.

I speak of bullying by social exclusion in my conflict resolution lessons with children and adults.  I was out of touch, however, with how deeply it can hurt, and with the anger it can provoke.  Now, when children come to me with complaints like “Johnny won’t let me play!” or “Jane says I’m not good enough to be on her team.” I have a better  understanding of the pain bullying by exclusion creates.  I am able to sincerely validate those children’s feelings and I can help kids work towards solutions to exclusion with a clear understanding of the issue on a gut level. As far as I’m concerned, “You can’t say, you can’t play!”

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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Tragedy and Reflection: Let Us Stop Blaming

I have seen many posts on the shooting in CT. My heart is heavy and, as always, I have much to say. I would like to start by saying that this is a tragedy for many. It was innocent children and educators that were lost. A daughter, sister, son, brother and yes, even parents, that have left this Earth.

Immediately after the press releases, there were many who had something say. Some information was misleading and even incorrect. There were many reports that released the wrong names. Some reports were not yet clarified such as whether the shooter had mental health issues. Some reports stated that the shooter was in the Autistic spectrum. We had those who blamed the shooter. We had those who blamed the educators. We had those who blamed the law makers. We had those who blamed the family of the shooter. Some said that children in the Autistic spectrum are likely to be violent. Some said that mental patients are to be feared. Westboro Baptist church said the shooter was sent because of God’s dislike of gay support. There were even those who blamed God.

Many have discussed gun control. Some discussed safety in the schools. Some discussed mental health. Some discussed bullying. Some believe that taking God out of schools lead to this. Many compared this to other shootings at other schools. I have shared posts that I agreed with and ignored those that I didn’t. Now, not that anyone is really interested, but this is so close to my heart that I must share my feelings.

Emotionally, this situation is complicated beyond belief. Only the shooter knows what was going through his mind and it is sad that those thoughts cannot be shared with others. I think that, out of respect, we should use his name instead of “shooter” so from here on out, I will be doing so. His name is Adam Lanza. He was 20 years old. He had a mother, father, brother and, I am sure, many other family members as well.

Let me go through the blames one by one:

Adam Lanza – none of us know what was going through his mind. Was this a crime of passion? Was he suffering from a mental or neurological disorder? Was he bullied in his youth? So many questions need to be answered before blame can be placed, so let us stop blaming.

Educators – Classrooms are very diverse and funding is, and has been, low. Did the educators know what was going to happen? Were they neglectful of the children? NO. In fact, educators lost their lives to protect the innocent, so let us stop blaming.

Law Makers – Since when is a law maker able to prevent these situations? Is there a link missing before it becomes a legal situation? How many play a part in this role? So let us stop blaming.

Family – Were they aware of his emotional state? Did they have adequate support? So, let us stop blaming

God – God is not allowed in schools. How can we bar someone from entering to help and then blame them for what happens because of it? So, let us stop blaming.

Let us start working, together, arm-in-arm; praying, teaching, caring, and sharing! I can speak on this from personal perspective.

While we do not know all of the circumstances, there are some things that we do know. We do know that statistics say that states with the most restrictive gun laws have the most crime. This does not mean that we should not have laws regarding guns. The laws should not, however, restrict the (legal) gun user in being able to bear arms. What we often don’t acknowledge in the gun control discussion is that, with the exception of crimes of passion, the perpetrator in most cases involving the non-accidental use of guns was illegally carrying the gun.

We also know that, even though we are very emotional beings, we lack the ability to empathize. Not having the ability to empathize is devastating to us, as a culture. Humans are complicated beings with a wide range of emotions. We know this is true of people with, and without, mental or neurological disorders. We know that while every brain is different, this is especially true with those who suffer from mental and neurological disorders. We also know that bullying is out-of-hand. Schools are dealing with this situation as best they can, but we do not know how severely a child will react to teasing or bullying. Their brains are still developing and so is their emotional and psychological makeup.

My son is under the Autistic Spectrum umbrella and is Autistic. It is either a great day or horrible day. He does not have an okay day. My son is teased because he is not like other students. This is not the teachers’ fault, nor is it his fault. In fact it is not even the teaser’s fault. Our children today are not taught empathy. Only with empathy can we accept others’ weaknesses and admire others’ strengths.

I was teased heavily as a child. I understand what my son is going through. I hated school and hated myself when I was young. I dropped out of school at sixteen. It took much work on my part to get to where I am now, to a person who is comfortable with who I am. I do not blame my classmates or my educators. I also do not blame myself.

I believe that, as parents, we should teach empathy from early on. We should raise self-esteem and not destroy it. We should monitor our child’s mental state and get help when needed. We should provide them a safe place to solve conflict. We must realize that our children are not just an extension of ourselves. Though they will model what they see us do, they are also individuals.

Think about this; when was the last time that you said something insulting about someone with your child around? When was the last time you said something hurtful to your child? Even statements like, “Look what you did, can’t you use your brain sometimes?” Maybe you talked about someone’s clothes, weight, or hairstyle. I know I have been guilty of this many times.

Just one line about the media; I think we can all do with a little less media in our lives because we are often misguided, and affected, by what is portrayed in the media.

I am praying for all those affected by this tragedy and I am praying for the rest of us as well. Let us not take this in vain. The word for today is EMPATHY!

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell's book now. Don't waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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Teaching point of view to young students

When considering  teaching peaceful classroom or conflict resolution skills to preschoolers, the most important developmental aspect to keep in mind is that they are unable to see another person’s point of view.

They are very egocentric. They have, however, a natural developmental capacity for empathy that needs to be allowed to flourish.

Have you had the experience of sharing stories in circle time with preschoolers and one child had a sad story to tell? Maybe his dog died and he started to cry. The next thing you know, several children are crying inconsolably. What happened? Empathy happened.

Preschoolers have the emotional ability to pick up on the feelings of other children and to match them to their own. If, in a given situation, they cannot do this, it is often because they do not have the vocabulary for the emotion. They cannot identify with the feeling if they cannot label it.

Therefore an excellent tool to use with preschoolers is one of those posters with all the labeled ‘emotion’ faces.  Children can spot how they’re feeling on the poster. You can give them the name for the emotion. As they develop a vocabulary for their emotions, they are able to empathize with that emotion.

You can find a Moodz Poster by clicking on the link.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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Projects, papers, and problem sets assigned by teachers are not the only school related skills that parents can work on with their children in the afternoon hours. Social skills can be as important to getting through the school day, and becoming a successful adult, as doing homework. However, many children don’t practice these social skills, in a structured fashion, outside of school . Students with learning disabilities such as those with nonverbal learning disorders, who need to take in all information verbally, and children with autistic spectrum disorders, in particular,can benefit from taking the time to dissect social situations. Here are two examples of social problems you can break down with your child to help them think about how they interact with others:

Empathy – Getting into another child’s shoes

If your child comes home and is upset about a social interaction with another student, take a moment to help him or her see things from the other person’s perspective. First, acknowledge your child’s side of the situation so they understand that they have a right to their feelings. Then, when they are calm and feel validated, talk about what the other child may have been feeling during the interaction. Ask your child how they might feel if they were in the shoes of their classmate and why that student might have reacted the way they did. Your child might feel sympathetic to the other child, or they may still feel that they were in the right, but will understand why the disagreement occurred and will be able to handle the next conflict better.

Social Reciprocity – If you want a friend, you have to be a friend,

Children will often try to make friends by being funny or acting out at school and expect that  behavior to make them popular with their peers. Other times, they may choose another student at school with qualities they like and admire and try to engage that student in their own interests, and only their own interests. At any age, it is true that we all want to talk about ourselves, what we are interested in, and what we think is funny. Think about the people you automatically like right away. Did they ask you about your life and seem interested in hearing your stories? Next time someone takes interest in your child’s life talk to him or her about it afterwards. How did it make them feel to have someone interested in them? Did they enjoy talking with that person and want to talk to them again? Does your child think other people would like to be around him or her if they asked about other people and really listened to what they said before talking about themselves?

Keep both of these points in mind and work on them each time similar social situations come up.

Anna Super is a freelance writer and former newspaper reporter living in New England. She works with children and parents at a family science museum where she puts her strong social skills to use.  Anna, who was diagnosed with specific learning disabilities in kindergarten, was diagnosed with nonverbal learning disorder (NLD) in the winter of 2010, and credits her mom with talking her through social situations as a child.

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New research: Skin color affects ability to empathize with pain

This is interesting research. Does it resonate with you? Have you seen or experienced this disparity yourself? What implications might it have on the playground? CNN article: Skin color affects ability to empathize with pain

Can this same research shed light on bullying and people’s response to bullying? I blogged about empathy recently because empathy is a critical component in building a caring community.

Developmentally appropriate conflict resolution solutions! Get this Book Now! A unique approach to helping ourselves and our children deal with conflict Get Susan Fitzell’s book now. Don’t waste any time Free the Children, Conflict Education for Strong, Peaceful Minds Bring Susan to your campus! Featured seminar – Bullying: Choices and Consequences

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These articles aren’t new to publication, however, I believe they still are worth reading.

From: Mirror cells’ fading spark: empathy-related neurons may turn off in autism. by Bower, B.
Source: Science News, 12/10/2005.
Via: HighBeam™ Research
COPYRIGHT 2008 Science Service, Inc.

From: WE FEEL YOUR PAIN. . . . . . AND YOUR HAPPINESS, TOO THE HUMAN BRAIN’S SOURCE OF EMPATHY MAY ALSO PLAY A ROLE IN AUTISM by Carey Goldberg, Globe Staff
Source: The Boston Globe (Boston, MA), 12/12/2005.
Via: HighBeam™ Research
Copyright 2009 The Boston Globe

From: Is the future of autism research to be found in the mirror. by Kessler, Richard J.
Source: Pediatrics for Parents, 9/1/2008.
Via: HighBeam™ Research
COPYRIGHT 2008 Pediatrics for Parents, Inc.

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