Tragedy and Reflection, One Parent's Perspective -

After the events in Connecticut of early December, one of my Facebook friends, and former seminar attendee, Jennifer Campbell, wrote this article and shared it with me. I felt compelled to post her words here so that others could consider them.

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Tragedy and Reflection: Let Us Stop Blaming

I have seen many posts on the shooting in CT. My heart is heavy and, as always, I have much to say. I would like to start by saying that this is a tragedy for many. It was innocent children and educators that were lost. A daughter, sister, son, brother and yes, even parents, that have left this Earth.

Immediately after the press releases, there were many who had something say. Some information was misleading and even incorrect. There were many reports that released the wrong names. Some reports were not yet clarified such as whether the shooter had mental health issues. Some reports stated that the shooter was in the Autistic spectrum. We had those who blamed the shooter. We had those who blamed the educators. We had those who blamed the law makers. We had those who blamed the family of the shooter. Some said that children in the Autistic spectrum are likely to be violent. Some said that mental patients are to be feared. Westboro Baptist church said the shooter was sent because of God’s dislike of gay support. There were even those who blamed God.

Many have discussed gun control. Some discussed safety in the schools. Some discussed mental health. Some discussed bullying. Some believe that taking God out of schools lead to this. Many compared this to other shootings at other schools. I have shared posts that I agreed with and ignored those that I didn’t. Now, not that anyone is really interested, but this is so close to my heart that I must share my feelings.

Emotionally, this situation is complicated beyond belief. Only the shooter knows what was going through his mind and it is sad that those thoughts cannot be shared with others. I think that, out of respect, we should use his name instead of “shooter” so from here on out, I will be doing so. His name is Adam Lanza. He was 20 years old. He had a mother, father, brother and, I am sure, many other family members as well.

Let me go through the blames one by one:

Adam Lanza – none of us know what was going through his mind. Was this a crime of passion? Was he suffering from a mental or neurological disorder? Was he bullied in his youth? So many questions need to be answered before blame can be placed, so let us stop blaming.

Educators – Classrooms are very diverse and funding is, and has been, low. Did the educators know what was going to happen? Were they neglectful of the children? NO. In fact, educators lost their lives to protect the innocent, so let us stop blaming.

Law Makers – Since when is a law maker able to prevent these situations? Is there a link missing before it becomes a legal situation? How many play a part in this role? So let us stop blaming.

Family – Were they aware of his emotional state? Did they have adequate support? So, let us stop blaming

God – God is not allowed in schools. How can we bar someone from entering to help and then blame them for what happens because of it? So, let us stop blaming.

Let us start working, together, arm-in-arm; praying, teaching, caring, and sharing! I can speak on this from personal perspective.

While we do not know all of the circumstances, there are some things that we do know. We do know that statistics say that states with the most restrictive gun laws have the most crime. This does not mean that we should not have laws regarding guns. The laws should not, however, restrict the (legal) gun user in being able to bear arms. What we often don’t acknowledge in the gun control discussion is that, with the exception of crimes of passion, the perpetrator in most cases involving the non-accidental use of guns was illegally carrying the gun.

We also know that, even though we are very emotional beings, we lack the ability to empathize. Not having the ability to empathize is devastating to us, as a culture. Humans are complicated beings with a wide range of emotions. We know this is true of people with, and without, mental or neurological disorders. We know that while every brain is different, this is especially true with those who suffer from mental and neurological disorders. We also know that bullying is out-of-hand. Schools are dealing with this situation as best they can, but we do not know how severely a child will react to teasing or bullying. Their brains are still developing and so is their emotional and psychological makeup.

My son is under the Autistic Spectrum umbrella and is Autistic. It is either a great day or horrible day. He does not have an okay day. My son is teased because he is not like other students. This is not the teachers’ fault, nor is it his fault. In fact it is not even the teaser’s fault. Our children today are not taught empathy. Only with empathy can we accept others’ weaknesses and admire others’ strengths.

I was teased heavily as a child. I understand what my son is going through. I hated school and hated myself when I was young. I dropped out of school at sixteen. It took much work on my part to get to where I am now, to a person who is comfortable with who I am. I do not blame my classmates or my educators. I also do not blame myself.

I believe that, as parents, we should teach empathy from early on. We should raise self-esteem and not destroy it. We should monitor our child’s mental state and get help when needed. We should provide them a safe place to solve conflict. We must realize that our children are not just an extension of ourselves. Though they will model what they see us do, they are also individuals.

Think about this; when was the last time that you said something insulting about someone with your child around? When was the last time you said something hurtful to your child? Even statements like, “Look what you did, can’t you use your brain sometimes?” Maybe you talked about someone’s clothes, weight, or hairstyle. I know I have been guilty of this many times.

Just one line about the media; I think we can all do with a little less media in our lives because we are often misguided, and affected, by what is portrayed in the media.

I am praying for all those affected by this tragedy and I am praying for the rest of us as well. Let us not take this in vain. The word for today is EMPATHY!