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Relationship Violence Among Teenagers
While many parents think of relationship violence as an adult problem, the reality is that many teenagers have experienced some sort of emotional or physical abuse in a relationship.
It is natural to want to separate ourselves, our students, and our children from the ‘at-risk’ group. But in actuality, relationship violence can happen to anyone. Abuse can happen in any type of relationship: male-female, male-male, or female-female. It crosses all economic, ethnic, religious, racial, and gender groups. There is no specific ‘type’ of person that becomes enmeshed in relationship violence and no one is immune. That fact is the most frightening aspect of the problem.
Scary statistics about relationship violence:
- According to a survey of female teenagers by Liz Claiborne Inc. in 2006, 20 percent of teenage girls in serious relationships reported experiencing physical abuse.
- According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked, or physically hurt by his/her partner.
- Statistics show that 1 in 5 female high school students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.
- Married victims of domestic violence often report that the violence started while dating. Domestic violence is the primary cause of injury to women, producing more injuries to women than rapes, muggings, and auto crashes combined.
These facts are sobering. To bring the message close to home, consider the following: if you have twenty students in your classroom, four will be victims of dating or domestic violence.
And while the rate of intimate violence against females actually declined significantly between 1993 and 2001, dropping by nearly half (49%), the issue of relationship violence is still far too prevalent among today’s teenagers.
Why are our teens vulnerable to relationship violence?
Teenagers desperately want to be in a dating relationship. Lori Casey, a crisis intervention worker at the YWCA in Manchester, NH, explains that couplehood is very important in our culture: “Society doesn’t celebrate being yourself.” It applauds and romanticizes couples. Girls will stay in an abusive relationship rather than be without a date.
A lack of confidence in being independent is a major factor. Girls become dependent or codependent rather than independent. Women are trained from toddlerhood to be nurturers, fixers, and caretakers. Even girls brought up by progressive parents who try to minimize this conditioning are bombarded by cultural messages defining appropriate female behavior. All the girls have to do is turn on the radio or TV or step outside their door to be influenced.
Boys are also victims of cultural expectations: “There is a lot of peer pressure on guys to be sexually active, so sometimes they are sexually aggressive with girls. Guys feel it is their role to be dominant and to control their girlfriends’ activities and behavior” (Levy, 1993).
While gender roles and expectations cultivate relationship violence, inexperienced teens romanticize relationships. They believe that jealousy and possessiveness are signs of love. They have mistaken ideas about sex and relationships. Many teens believe that if a guy takes out a girl and spends money on her, she owes him sex. She may not want to have any sexual contact; however, there is tremendous pressure on her to comply with his demands (Levy, 1993).
Parental use of corporal punishment also sets the groundwork for males and females to accept physical violence in a relationship as a deserved act of love. The girl looks for the parent in the boy, and his violence is accepted as punishment for her misbehavior.
Why the victim can’t get out of an abusive relationship?
By the time the abuse starts in a relationship, a dependent or codependent relationship between the partners has been formed. The relationship is so intense that the victim feels trapped. Even when her rational self knows that this relationship is bad for her, her emotional self can’t let go. Emotionally she is so dependent on her partner that to be without him would be devastating to her sense of self.
When he becomes abusive, the victim thinks the violence is somehow her fault. She starts believing that she deserves the abuse. He reinforces this belief by repeatedly abusing her verbally. He tells her it’s her fault he lost his temper, it’s her fault he had to hit her, no one else would put up with her, she’s lucky to have him.
Sometimes family and friends encourage the relationship to continue by ignoring the signs of abuse or by siding with the abuser. Mothers who grew up in abusive, male-dominated environments and who accept this as normal may fault the daughter for not conforming to the demands of the male. In this situation, the girl’s voice is stifled. She receives the message that her feelings are wrong or invalid. All of this will leave her confused and mistrusting.
Signs and symptoms of relationship violence
How do you know if you, or someone you know, is in a violent relationship? In the early stages of a relationship, only the milder symptoms will be obvious. In fact, some relationships don’t become physically violent for years. It is important to realize that verbal violence is just as damaging to the woman, if not worse. Don’t assume the relationship is not abusive simply because there is no physical violence!
The following are some of the signs and symptoms of relationship violence, though not all these behaviors are necessarily present:
- He has low self-esteem. He believes, “I’m nothing without you.”
- He is extremely jealous. Jealousy is not a sign of love. It’s a sign of a serious lack of trust. This lack of trust stems from low self-esteem and deep insecurity.
- He is controlling. He completely rules the relationship and makes all the decisions. He tells her how to dress, how to wear her hair, who she can be with, and where she can go.
- He has unpredictable mood swings. His behavior shifts dramatically between being jealous, controlling, or angry to being sweet, charming, and loving.
- He is explosive. He yells loudly, calls names, threatens others with violence. He loses his temper frequently and more easily than seems necessary.
- He experiences physical or verbal violence at home. He is abused or his parents’ relationship is physically violent. Consequently, they view this behavior as normal and acceptable.
- He is violent towards animals or things. He kicks or hits pets. He punches walls, throws objects, breaks things in anger.
- He is physically violent towards her. He may slap her, pull her hair, twist her wrists, arms, or fingers, push, shove, or punch her.
- He ignores her feelings, wants, concerns.
- He isolates her. He uses lies and criticism to alienate her from friends and family. If she has male friends, she is a “whore”. Support systems cause trouble.
- He blames others for his problems. It’s the teacher’s fault he’s failing. It’s his parents’ fault he takes off. People are out to get him.
How to protect teens from relationship violence
Young women can take positive steps to protect themselves from victimization. Education is the first step. If girls are aware of the signs and symptoms of relationship violence, they are more likely to recognize those symptoms before becoming trapped. With awareness comes the ability to take action to prevent becoming a victim.
Linda Murphy, Empowerment and Self-Defense Instructor at Murphy’s Inc., teaches a women’s self-defense course intended to reprogram women to think assertively, to think quickly, and to think defensively – both verbally and physically. She believes one of the key elements to preventing being a victim is practicing verbal assertiveness and body language that demonstrates strength and confidence.
“Strengthen your voice,” she says, “Every day! Practicing these skills every day feeds into your ability to fight (verbally or physically) and to defend yourself. Plus, you are validating to yourself that you are worth fighting for and that it’s OK to stand up for yourself.”
Murphy believes that the best way to avoid relationship violence is to focus on what you want in life, even if it means asking yourself, “‘How much time do I want to spend with one person, my friends, my family, etc?” By answering this question, you are much more focused on what you want to do. You are in charge of yourself.
How to help someone in an abusive relationship
Teens often don’t go to adults for help when in an abusive relationship because they are afraid choices will be taken away from them.
Parents and teachers need to set up lines of communication and parameters to work with them, so that the teens don’t lose all control.
So, what can you do to help victims of relationship violence? Don’t deny the problem! Be willing to accept what is happening and open your mind to the options.
- Listen without judging. Support her as a friend. Allow her to tell her story. Encourage her to express her feelings. Don’t blame her. If you do, she will avoid you. If she avoids you, you can’t help her.
- Tell her that she doesn’t deserve to be abused. Girls and women who ended abusive relationships said that this statement was most influential in helping them to leave.
- Tell her that the abuse is not her fault.
- Acknowledge her courage to tell someone. Help her to see her strengths. Her self-esteem is low. She needs to see her value as a human being.
- Help her to make a safety plan. Help her to prepare for an emergency.
- Be patient and supportive. Don’t try to save her. She needs to make the decision to leave on her own. She won’t leave until she is ready.
Excerpted from Free the Children and personal research.
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